Sleep

How hard it is to smile and pretend everything is just right. Do they see through me? Do they know my secret? Smile, laugh, act accordingly. Everyone knows what i am they sneer behind my back but smile to my face. I can’t move in regret, disgust, vulgarity. Why do I have to be with people? to earn a living? I don’t want live. My mind races with bad thoughts of myself, repeating to me I am bad, not right, sick. I believe this and know it to be true. Why did God want us to be subjected to all this cruelty when heaven is just a sleep away? Is it all just a test to which I am failing? Back to smiling.