Setting Goals

"We chase unreachable heights, in the hope to find happiness, Only to find we are still the same, because in fact we are chasing ourselves." (Triggered and inspired by a conversation this morning between Arthur Vaso and myself) I have crashed many times over the past five years. Many, many times before realising I was chasing my own tail. Does this mean that I don't crash anymore? On the contrary. I came back last week from a three-week stay in a mental hospital. Oh, I crash and when I do, I do it good and hard. Rock bottom, here I come. Then what? Realization is just a first step. It can also be the first hurdle, the one you never get over, that one that you will see in the distance and that becomes so BIG when you come near it, that it seems it will swallow you whole. It's a first baby step. What is unreachable? That is a first question everyone needs to answer for themselves. It's different for everyone, but we all share this: if we don't realize we are chasing a phantom, or our own tail, we will end up bitter and frustrated. Unreachable for me (to make it less abstract) is: - walking; - playing the violin again; - dancing again; - speaking fluently; - not feeling lonely; - setting goals that jeopardize my mental and physical health. Up until recently I tried to achieve the impossible by trying to reach every one of these goals. Seeing this list I think that everyone who knows me realizes that it's a list that is setting me up for failure. And I finally agree. I used to try and aim for the impossible. And I admit it still feels a little like defeat by admitting I can never reach these goals. It made me deeply depressed at first, almost suicidal. But I am slowly learning to set new goals, little steps, small things that make me not only happy, but also proud of myself. Like writing poems, alone or together with the marvellous poets I met here in Soup and among my other friends. Or finding out what fun sports are available in a wheelchair when you also have limited use of your arms. Or finding friends, even though my loneliness is innate (also something I needed to learn to accept.) I still chase myself. But I set the reachable goal now that I finally found the truth: I am aiming for acceptance of self. Comments and discussion greatly appreciated. *** January 22, 2017