Self Destruction

Self destructive, even writing on pages without lines feels chaotic and liberating even though I know the frustration I will feel as my words slope downwards, down words. They angle, pitching against my embedded need for order and yet I fight them I struggle to keep the line-to see the line-I'll walk that line-can't stay in line- always last in line-do not cross this line-that line-THE FINE LINE!!! Obsessed with the line which makes perfect sense yet none at all and the shortest distance between two points is a straight line and I always thought I loved straight lines. But I combat that translucent self declaration by my blatant deviance from that line. Don't get out of line-will I lose my place what am I waiting for? Don't get out of line - am I misbehaving inflicting my own consequences? Self destructive, seeing if I can break, take a break, break in time, break it off, breaking down, braking fast, failing brakes, I drive too fast, in such a rush, I need the rush, I need to breathe, can't catch my breath, I am breathless, and now I'm weight less, weight on my shoulders, bear the weight, can I bare the wait, wait for me, wait one cotton picking moment, in this moment, momentary lapse, memory lapse, running laps, running in place, where is my place, I've been misplaced. Self destructive, too reluctant to restore order, may I take your order, don't give me orders, I like disorder, I love misconduct, code of conduct, code of honor, in your honor, I'll honor you. Self destructive, seep into the wall, against the wall, behind the wall, behind the scenes, the scenery green, envious green, green like greed, greed is need with no hope for survival no Savior, revival. Self destructive, psychologically damaged, damaged goods, previously owned, needs a good home, welcome home, no place like home, run away from home, homeless, helpless, hopeless, more or less, better or worse, it looks worse than it is. Self destructive, but progressing, work in progress, needs some work, work on me, work with me, piece of work, work for peace. I am at piece piecing together the things I have broken when I had no brakes to take a break to find my peace. Self destructive, my nature is to conclude the inconclusive, wrap it up neatly, nice little package, suspicious brown package, but I can't, I refuse to this time, what time is it, out of time, some other time, stop wasting time, no not this time, need to make the time. Still self destructive, the scars don't show, not all the time.