Seeking Exculpation

To wake each morning and begrudge the daylight intruding into that life..again. To feel desolate that once more no prayers were answered, despite frantic, blind pleadings for an unending sleep. To know that again, the charade continues,with firstly the unwelcome reflection in a mirror of life. A mirror that mimics a steadfast smile that all the world sees. A mind so fogged by perceived imperfections that it warrants no respect, no countenance. A life unblessed by the joy and love a family can bring. Stagnation touching everything... .a fetid life with no escape or respite Constant, black webbing,tangles every worthwhile thought enmeshing it so completely, it surrenders without a whimper. Pushing aside the voice playing constant within....with just one single word...why? Why is there a blackness nothing can alieviate? This vacuity of emotion that notwithstanding seems to cover the very ground being trod upon. Each step compressing it further into the earth,to live within the dank,coldness of lost souls, No remedy for this.. No possible return to ‘normal’ Life is a pastime, now outgrown,and the desire is solely for the game to end. Frantic scouring to find a method, sure,clean,quick. Heaven is a long way from any thoughts , only the eternal fire plays centre stage... But maybe that is better than the numbing emptyness of this life... Pontius Pilot supplications, seeking a solution absolving blame from my hands to rendering me non culpable, yet still with the aim of oblivion magnificently achieved. This my desired fait accompli. The day has just begun, maybe the prayers will be answered tonight , Maybe.... but if not then purgatory continues and is relentlessly eternal..