Room 123 Part 1

Here I stand outside this door heart beating out of my chest, knowing that once I cross this threshold there will be nothing of me left I got myself into this predicament I wanted this so much, and I tell myself as I cautiously knock that I’m doing this for love Behind the door I hear a masculine voice coaxing me to come in, and I adorn my fake façade and I brazenly smile to cover my sin I know that this is wrong and there are ten million other places that I could be, but unfortunately those places don’t hold my heart the one behind this door does, he holds the key I walk in with as much confidence that I can conjure up, and I hope that he can’t see that this is killing me inside and just how much There he sits conveying no awkwardness at all, he smiles his glorious smile and then my heart starts to fall I silently take a seat across the room from him, and I start with small talk asking him how his day has been I already know the answer to this question as I have spoken to him today numerous times, but being alone with him here in this room is slowly eating me up inside My stomach is in knots the butterflies are fighting with my conscience battling over right and wrong, and I silently sit there staring at you as I let my thoughts consume me and I let them taunt The small talk dissipates and then you turn to me, you ask if it would be alright if you could just hold me I see no harm in this considering this is the reason why I am here, I am in love with you and have waited for months to have you hold me near The anticipation, all the talking over the months on end, has led us here to this moment where neither of us should have been See we both are in a predicament that for which there is no way out, you have your obligations to uphold and I have yet to figure mine out You tell me that the consequences be damned that you choose to be with me, but then it’s like the script has been flipped and you accept what is your reality Your mind keeps going back and forth like its playing tug of war, and I’m caught in the middle of the choice that you can’t make, and I just can’t do this anymore I want you to make the right one, but I selfishly choose me, but deep down I know that this will never be the ending that I hope to receive I sit there staring into those eyes that I have longed to see, and in them I witness the brokenness inside that is occurring all because of me I’m here right in front of you and that makes your decision harder to make, and I watch as you battle yourself questioning if you’re making a mistake You look into my eyes and you quietly question me how can we ever be? And as I start to respond you inevitably stop me You tell me that you don’t want to think about the issues at hand, that you just want to live in the moment at least while you still can You don’t want to ruin the time that we have together, on bringing up reasons why we would never work, and how there is no way for us to share a forever You kiss my lips and tell me that you love me instead, and you lovingly look deep into my eyes conveying all the words that you wish you could have said I have never witnessed such passion, such longing in a single glance, as I did that night looking into your eyes and wishing for what I’ll never have You just held me as if in the moment I was your lifeline, the answer to all your wrong, and I let you hold onto me for as long as you needed me to help you be strong I listened to your deep breathes and your ragged sighs, and I knew that you were never wanting to let go, but at the same time you knew there would soon come a goodbye You held me, my back to your front as you slowly stroked my hair, and you took in the scent of my luscious locks and I could feel how much you cared You softly whispered into my ear that you missed me although I was lying inside of your arms, and then I didn’t understand what you meant by that, but I do now that you’re gone You knew in that moment I wasn’t really yours that you were only living out a fantasy, believing that you could have my love and that one day we could be I felt the same things as you as I lied there wrapped up in your warm embrace, I couldn’t fathom how I could love someone so much knowing soon that I would never again get to look upon their face So just as you I lived in the moment, I reveled in the disguise, the one that we were both wearing trying to hide from the upcoming demise We talked and laughed and spoke of our truest fears, we told each other secrets that no one has or will ever hear I felt loved in that small enclosed room, where there was no outside world there was only me and you There in room 123 we shared our hopes and our dreams, we shared all the love that we had within us and made promises that we vowed to keep I’ll never forget the words, the feelings, the touches that you placed upon my skin, I will never forget how you made me feel because I know that I’ll never find this again Looking into one another’s eyes we both knew that what we had was a once in a lifetime love, and the sad part is that we both knew then that as much as we wanted it, the time that we spent with one another would never be enough There would never be enough hours in the day to convey all that we felt for one another, there would never be enough words to say to prove how much we truly meant to each other We were better at actions and glances and conveying our emotions from within, our hearts truly spoke to one another I know that they did then There wasn’t anything you wouldn’t do to make me smile, we were so comfortable with one another for that little while There were many nights that I would meet you in this room on the top floor, some we had more hours together and some not many, but we always longed for more When we were in each other’s arms the time just flew by, and we were content with doing nothing but lying there together looking into each other’s eyes