Realizing the Outside
Sitting in the dark,
a razor at my wrist,
unable to stand the blood that pours from my veins.
Knowing she expects me to land in the hospital.
Holding on and feeling dead,
chills run down my arms.
Pain bursts from my heart.
Pulling the steel through my skin
hating all that is me.
She appeared to me then
all golden white and yellow.
She wept infront of me
calling me a broken angel.
I reached out but i spilled a drop of blood
upon her white blouse
and I didnt realize that I had a lot of regrets
In my empty house of hope.
I watched that blood soak in and with a flash of pain
I saw a younger me getting hit and raped.
It was then that night i realized,
when all the self hatred began
by another hands
who they themselves hate another
with the passion of their own.
This hatred and loathing an wishing of death,
was never mine to possess.
Images flashed of me in hospitals,
my mother crying all around me people whispered that i was dying.
An image that couldn't have been mine, flew right through my head
there I hung from a willow tree
a single white bed beneath
and on that bed was a pool of blood
coming from between my teeth.
I pulled back to end those images and I whispered "I'm sorry"
I knelt before the angel and took her head in my hands,
holding her close but before i could pull her to hug me
She looked me in the eyes
The same blue eyes stared back at me that belonged within my skull.
It was then that i had realized as I had said im sorry she had said the same,
right back to me the way i had.
I dropped the angel and with a crash the mirror broke to slivers.
I threw my razor with a vengence my soul possessed with joy.
This hate and vengence i felt was never mine to hold.
I am something beautiful,
no matter how scarred or whithered i am.
I am nothing new, and I may be afraid to love,
but im capable of being human,
with no more blood and knives.
Copyright © Tiffany Julius | Year Posted 2011
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