Puns X2

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician. My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the ceiling! I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure. Light travels faster than sound, which is the reason that some people appear bright before you hear them speak. My therapist says I have a preoccupation for revenge. We’ll see about that. A termite walks into the bar and asks, ‘Is the bar tender here?’ I always take life with a grain of salt. And a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila. I don’t suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it. The last thing I want to do is hurt you; but it’s still on my list. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down. ‘Doctor, there’s a patient on line two who says he’s invisible.’‘Well, tell him I can’t see him right now. Last night my girlfriend was complaining that I never listen to her or something like that. People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders. What’s a frog’s favourite type of shoes? Open toad sandals. Blunt pencils are really pointless. Two wifi engineers got married. The reception was fantastic. One of the cows didn’t produce milk today. It was udder familiar If attacked by a mob of clowns go for the juggler. The rotation of Earth really makes my day. Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants. A book fell on my head the other day. I only have my shelf to blame though. When the cannibal showed up late to the buffet, they gave him the cold shoulder. A blind man walked into a bar… and a table… and a chair… How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.