Please don't leave me I love you

He reignited my creative passion when he reentered my life His can sense to the core how I am feeling and asked me right away to be his wife Though it's been 45 years we have known each other and 12 since we last spoke. We fell into companionship, camaraderie and jokes We confess our sins of our past meetings and the regrets that we still held And he asked me had I asked you at 17 would you have married me? I knew the answer like I knew how to breathe. Yes it would have been and not yes on a whim. He is my North Star, the lens I have judged all other relationships through since then. His kind direct manor, his romantic nature shined through. I was always safe with him. He was always true. And yet he confessed he had carnal desire burning under his belt anytime I was near. He did not pursue me closer to prevent the loss of friendship dear. He always had his hat in his lap. And he backed off a few paces when we talked. He would walk by and bump shoulders, and more then a few times we splashed puddles on each other. Doing an awkward dance of stepping and dodging like two tall storks, but laughing like loons. We stole a caress from each other more than a few times. And upped that to a kiss where the electricity between us shined. And this went on from when I was 17 till I was 20. And 12 years ago, I came to him after life and a second divorce had broken him down, and a second divorce had broken me along too. And I made careful and complete love to him to remind him of who he is. And showed him a long ago journal where I confessed my love for him. He had been depressed, and I understood. But I was determined to awake the fun loving playful scamp he was. He wanted me then, and I was trapped between two worlds. And I had just entered intense therapy for something that might otherwise kill me. And I had a boyfriend I loved. And he had just come back from an alcoholic binge and was in AA and recovery. My therapist advised against it, and my heart was completely torn. And my other lover laid down the law, choose or lose. So I told him, I can't be in two places. It's not possible and I asked him not to call. And he kept to that for years until he was to marry, and then he let me know. I ate my heart, but stayed silent with hopes he was happy. And the love I had chosen to stay with slowly went stagnant and then downright crappy. And I met a gorgeous young park ranger, who wanted me to go out. But I did not give him my number, as I was still in the same relationship that was stagnant and crappy. And my loyalty kept me at heel. And when I thought it through, in my mind..his face appeared as it did from time to time. And I looked him up online and dropped a line "hey, hi! How are you"? as was our way And he answered in 8 minutes. And we were on the phone for 4 hours. And I broke up with Mr stagnant and didn't look back. But while I was suffering from cancer surgeries, and the death of half my family, and major medical diagnosis for my son. He had lost his last marriage, more depression, homelessness, frostbite and a major heart attack. We had both aged and I had moved away and bought a house. He asked me to marry him. Though technically his last marriage was still valid on paper. And we spoke daily telling each other everything about our lives, hopes, dreams. Sharing fantasies. We played a game he called five questions. We found that we were even more deeply compatible than we knew. And we fantasized what our children would have been like had we managed it all those years ago. I told him first that I loved him when I was 20 and he was 23. We had just made love for the first time after 3 years of flirting and teasing. He said not a word, he ended our date. I thought I had been friend zoned and that I had made a mistake. So I did not mention it again. We only saw each other a half dozen times more. And it was at work at my store. He was surly and sharp then and I wondered what for. Was it his home life? His job? He tells me now it was all. But it was also seeing boyfriends come up to me. While he did not feel free to claim me. He's been an alcoholic since he was 13. I was miss diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis at age 16 months. These two truths about ourselves we did not share with the other, until we were 64 and 61 respectively. Those two things are the crux of our worlds. I did not know I was not going to die of CF till my mid 40s. He still struggles with alcohol now. And his heart occasionally does flip flops. And may throw a blood clot. He has had a stroke. Let's just say he's on borrowed time. That would be the case now that he is mine, and I am his. And I found a lump in my breast while flirting with him and taking selfies. And it's undetermined yet what it means. And yet I am grateful because with life there is still hope. And I love this man so much it envelops me and my whole life's scope. I can't imagine life without him, now that he's finally here. And yet I must face the fact that the end could be near. Please don't leave me. I love you - Susan speaking to Alan 9/7/2023 2:30 PM (C) Susan Manley