Some days are better than others. Most days I try to keep my head up and stay focused on
the things that make me the happiest. But often, that just isnt enough. I have realized
that on days I do not need you, those are the easiest for me. But the days I need you the
most, eat at me from the inside out. Im an 18 yr old girl. I feel forced to grow up too
fast, too soon. But there is not much I can do about that. I try so hard to just let you
go, but I cant. No matter the pain you put me through, no matter how deep the hurt is, I
cannot do it. Because you are my mother. Because I am not strong enough to let go of
someone I love so much. Its so weird to me because you have given me so many reasons to
just walk away, but I can't. Your actions get to me more than I let on. Im broken inside
because I know you will never come back to me. I miss you so much, mom. But I dont know
what you have become. I look at the more fortunate, and I envy what they have. I want my
mom back more than anything. And nobody understands what I am forced to face everyday. But
Im so sick of pretending to be happy when inside Im just a mess. Im so lost. I dont even
know how to begin looking in the right direction anymore. I feel helpless, towards even
myself. I didnt choose for my life to be this way. I had no other options.
Push me harder.
Push me farther.
Why don't you just dig your hole a little deeper.
I miss the days that we were happy.
Confused on what to do,
knowing that i can not keep hating you.
But what is a girl to do.
I can not change the past,
I can only look to the future.
Try so hard to keep up my guard,
still some days i just cry so hard.
These tears are flowing steady like a river.
My bottom lip is a constant, annoying quiver.
Keep my heart beating,
please do not let me fall.
My heart is aching.
I even heard it breaking.
Please piece it back together,
it is in a million little pieces,
and I just cannot do this forever.
I am ready to be done.
I will do whatever it takes,
just take this pain away.
Please tell me that you will stay.
Be your true self today.
It has been so long since I have seen you this way.
I just need to know that you are still there.
It will relieve just a little despair.
Please, just let me know you care.
Copyright © Candice Manibog