Pertinent

a sincere death wish percolates in the early morning, from where it rises & how long it will last, there is no center, there’s no way of identifying a source--- like a brand new cancer that has been personalized to one, it lies behind the eyes, it rises when called upon & it quiets to the subtle slumber required in those rare moments when sleep allows for a sense of peace. it wanders in the dreams creating nightmares that might twitch others awake, but because the routine has become routine, the moments spent sweating when the sun comes out, shock no more than an accidental bump when passing round the corner of a desk & it follows in the daylight like a stalking murderer waiting for that perfect moment to strike, revealing a shadow on the walk that only s/he with the death wish can see. and one can’t speak about it, without setting off the flares, without worrying others, without gradually pulling down all those around who might be observing the descent--- so as long as the wish stays conscious, so does the ability to stave off the want to satisfy the urge.