Pedestrian Memories

I hate it when I think of you. With no consideration of my schedule, or the details of my life. Just as inconsiderate as a memory As you were when you were here. At first it’s unintimidating – a fleeting image. Passing by innocently like a pedestrian at a crossway. And then there comes the pain. A sense of longing in the wake of a smile, in a laugh, in a crinkle of the eye In the bundle of bedsheets that used to wrap around our ankles Laying in that bed for hours. I'd read both of our horoscopes and you would watch the news. The same bed where you told me you loved me for the very first time. In the joke you told that wasn’t funny then But makes me smile now. And it hurts like hell. No need for pretty words or thoughtful images. Just hurts like hell. And then there comes the anger. Of the times you stood me up and the drugs you never stopped. In the way you couldn’t love – and how I gave you all I had. In the way you’d steal my pills And every single lie In the photos you would always hide And how you never valued me How you got better once I left And for a while, I got worse How I had to go and save myself When I saved you 1000 times And then there comes the sickness filled with hate and vengeance You never once deserved me And I stayed for far too long. And I take a drag and let myself feel anger one more time. And mourn the time I stayed behind And the youth I buried there. Then I put the burning ember of my cigarette in the tray I vow to find an outlet Till these thoughts stop coming back. A bottle won’t fix nothin' A man would make it worse I never asked for you to come take hostage of my mind. Don’t you know how busy I am? that I have other things to do? I have bills to pay and classes to finish. I have laundry to do and dishes in the sink. I have to quit smoking and need to lose weight. I have a quarter tank of gas and I’m short on my rent. I have projects due at work and my pets need to be fed. My dad is getting sick again - Did I pay the gas this month? Tell me brain, can we stop this now? Time to let this bullshit go right now. Stressin' to the max, right now. Gotta find our own way through right now. We don’t have this kind of time, brain. We don’t have this kind of time.