On Property Management

My wife and I were apartment managers for 18 grueling years that rented exclusively to college students, and - though everything I claim here is either disgusting or scary - or BOTH....it’s all true! Well, it’s Monday again…and we’re just rollin’ in. It’s the start of another long week. We both look away at the start the day, But, sooner or later…we peek. Just 3 broken windows and 4 missing screens, Just 2 "One Way" signs disappeared. But this wasn’t “homecoming weekend” and so… It’s not quite as bad as we’d feared. Powder from somebody’s fire extinguisher Trails through a stairwell and hall. Only one unit appears to have damage… It looks like the fire was small. The washers and dryers were rifled again. They’ve stolen 4 lights, and 2 rugs. Washer 13 needs a coin-chute. It’s ruined. They’ve jammed up the slide with their slugs. Order more sheet rock. “The Butcher” is back. The holes are the biggest I’ve seen. Reset the clocks on the building-light timers. Re-program the answering machine. They cut off the locks and then shut off the power. The clock says it happened at 3. I’ll get some hinges, some light shades, and lumber. Damn…look what they did to that tree. I’ll fix the fence. You look for waste cans. And, if you find time, order doors. I don’t believe that I’m gonna to have time For stopping at all of the stores. Looks like we’re going to be here ‘til midnight. What in the heck is this mess? Good grief…get the camera. Don’t know what this is, But if I should venture a guess… Never mind. We’ll need water, some rags, and a scoop. I’ll have to run down to the shop. Ya’ know…you and I will be dead long before This pathetic behavior will stop. You call the butt-heads who wrote the bad checks. I’ll call the “pukes” who won’t pay. The sheriff will be here at 10:45… We’ve got three evictions today! Have cars that are parked on the lawns towed away, And order some “Notice-to-Quits.” Set up our work in the order of urgency. You know, dear…this place is the pits. The gas can was stolen the last time we mowed. Look…somebody’s barfed on the van. The bums are still sleeping it off in the laundries. There’re eggs on the windows again. Count up the shades that are gone from the halls. Grab some paint…the graffiti is bad. This is the day that the scum in six-forty get served. Man…we’ve really been had. Whenever we give them an inch, without fail, They’re constantly taking a mile. The lawyers and judges are right when they say, “If they don’t pay their rent…go and file.” If the guy who has promised to kill me for throwing him Out of his room for not paying Shows up again, with his screaming and yelling, Try to record what he’s saying. But leave the door locked, and then call for a cop. He’s definitely out of his mind. Oh…the bulletin board has been stolen again. Let’s find a new place for the sign. Looks like another abandoned apartment. They’ve put all the bills in our name. Here’s a “Bad Faith Retention of Rental Deposit.” The “kiddies” are lying again. If they were charged for their representation… Instead of not paying a dime… None of these punks would be suing and wasting The taxpayers’ money and time. If mommies and daddies would just make an effort To visit their kids by surprise, They’d see for themselves how their kids really live. They, too, are the victims of lies! Most of the work will be finished by Friday, And calls on the weekends aren’t bad. The lockouts at two in the morning are murder, But none of the calls that we’ve had Even compare to the over-flowed stool, And the girl who was “walking in poo.” She screamed like a witch when we told her that plunging Was not something managers do, And how we’d be happy to loan her a plunger, And even a bucket and mop… But there was no clause in her lease about management Helping a tenant with “slop”! PS: I've now got 4 new Audio-CDs - @ 4 1/2 hours each = (62 diversely varied pieces). They’re listed on EBAY - under - “Mark Stellinga Poetry” - or available by simply contacting me at -- mark@writerofbooks.com -- should those of you who enjoy listening to poems as well as reading them - and particularly those of you that travel - care to be so entertained. (We use safe and simple - PayPal) There are a bunch of my pieces on YouTube as well --- Cheers, Mark