Ode To a Blunt Affect

Wind cuts to my feelings of indifference for my impaired emotionless state air freezing my facial expression glad of the change in environment but can not seem to express it living on my own like a hermit any difference in my normal is like water to a dying plant Eager to spread roots and limbs and to bask in the warm sun It would be a reprieve like a stay of execution to a convict But here I lay or sit or stand or pace doesn't matter which I do or don't in a drowsy state of mind befuddled from the medicine as much cure as curse Screaming inside for relief but serotonin won't open my mouth or form the facial expression trapped in an alternate reality not sure if the old one was really worth letting go of not sure where to go from here because I have been down this one before too many times before I fall flat either into overwhelming emotions without medication or not enough or back in a dull labotimized state of mind how to go on standing on a double edged sword the thing that I miss most is the thing that can save me - inspiration??? words leave my mouth with thought but no passion involved leaving friends and family wanting more but more I can't provide I feel so inept I feel so cowardly I feel so unworthy I feel so lost in my own mind Amid all this is the growing concern I will die lying down without a concern where I end up afterwards - Heaven or hell, for either will be a welcome relief from nothing