Numbing

There's never a dull moment in yesterday's shadow when the memory shines brighter than the light in your eyes, lives longer than I imagined our relationship would, & fights ten times harder to survive when every fiber in my feeling wants it gone, because your gone. So why does it stay. Why do I dream of you in situations that are impossible given our circumstances. Why can i feel your presence with my back turned to you. Why do the hairs on the back of my neck stand up whenever you enter a room. But my heart beats still. Numbness is the worst form of pain. I lied, numbing is the worst form of pain. When something happens to you & you have prepared yourself for the pain to come, you talked yourself through the situation because you knew it was coming, you wait for your heart to stop drop & roll as if it was on fire even though it feels ice cold-but it doesn't. It beats on in an unchanging rhythm, that you can't feel unless you make yourself aware of it. The moment passes & life moves on. You feel nothing. But your mind still races, your thoughts double & then triple making up for the loss of excitement in your heart. Your facial expression is nonchalant. Your body doesn't quiver & neither does your voice when you speak. The first time that happens, that hurts. It's an unfelt hurt only spoken but the realness of that pain is undeniable you feel this ache in your mind. In your thoughts, but you're fine. And when you're lying in bed at 1 am thinking about how awful your current life is & why the one person you're on love with doesn't love you back & crying because all of the great perhaps' in the world remain unanswered, & you're thinking about how great it will be when you don't feel this way anymore, you never imagined that you'd miss the pain. No one ever says "yeah this hurts now but im glad it does because one day I'll miss the pain." No one says that, but it happens. You miss the pain. Because the one thing no one ever tells you about heartache, is that the nothing is the worst part.