Not My Choice Pt 1

First times are meant To be special Or so I wish. With a lack Of experience And a timid Demeanor, I never learned How to say no To a person That I liked. When I look Back on it now, I think to myself, How stupid could I be. Our very first date, In an empty cinema. I heard the clink Of his belt buckle undone. Tension held on As he took my hand And guided it To what he pulled out. His breathing grew heavy, And I sat stiff As he moved my hand Against his. I should have said no, But I wasn’t taught how. Uncomfortable As he asked If I’d put my mouth around. I shook my head, Shaky And nauseas with fear As I pulled my hand back. He claimed ‘blue balls’ And asked if I knew What that was. I didn’t. Every time he touched me Or the very least tried, I’d grow sick And he, upset. He yelled at me once, For getting sick to my stomach. I didn’t know he’d yelled Until someone told him off. He’d apologize, But only half hearted. It was clear from day one, What his intentions were. ‘I need to get laid’ He’d tell me on repeat. Guilt sucked me dry, But that was what he wanted. First times Are meant to be special Or at the very least, Consensual. After the first, I was glad Nothing more happened, Or I’d regret. But in the second half, I grew comfortable. Believed he was A changed man. How silly of a thought, For someone like me, To be so naive, I’d given in. First times should be special. That’s how I wanted mine. Instead, what I got Was not even a choice. In the secret of the bed, Doing nothing more than touching, He guided his And my head tilted back. When he told me ‘It’s in’, I almost felt sick. Why hadn’t he asked? Where was my consent? My thoughts became muddled, Filled with disbelief. It couldn’t be, could it? But he confirms it the next day. I sit on the thought That my first time Was taken from me Without question. But if I were to tell someone, They wouldn’t care. It could count as rape, If it never happened again. It happened more times Than I can count (that’s a lie, I could), With my consent This time. If I had it my way, I’d go back And do it over again. I wouldn’t let him touch me, Because my body rejected. I should have listened then Instead of crying and begging.