My Turn To Cry

I’ve distanced myself I didn’t mean to Didn’t set out to do it An unconscious act of the mind For self preservation My visits went to once a week Sunday dinners that once lasted for hours Became shorter and shorter Until now its get in Get it cooked Clean it up Visit And we’re out Occasionally circumstances would Happen and one would be missed Oh well I’ll go during the week Sometimes I did Sometimes I didn’t Today my heart cried to be near you I entered the home and immediately Settled my mood into the atmosphere Funeral home-esque for lack of a better description I speak in hushed tones Slow my movements And quiet my spirit You want something Oh thank you give me a job What do you need???? Anything I’ll gladly do anything So many things hurt you now You who were so tough reduced to such pain Questions, answers, questions, answers Over and over and over This is the part I know I’ve practiced this so many times before You speak and in mid sentence you cry Have I seen my sister,,you can’t remember Ever seeing my sister, have you seen her Yes mom remember mom My answers are calm Almost rehearsed Repeated Sterile You look searching in my eyes Yours, sunken, confused, Pained, with a depth of sadness I haven’t seen before I look away. I meet all the needs you’ve asked of me I pat you, hug you, pray with you I look at my brother, the saint He’s tired, worn, sad I leave, I’m OUT I drive How’d I get here How long have I been driving The sky so desperately gray Muted tones of nothingness The air feels so heavy Like a shroud encompassing me Choking me The river runs beside me It rages from the wind There’s no stopping its power It’s dark and gloomy and brown And suits my mood I try to pray HOW DO I PRAY Do I pray for healing, Health, life, death Joy, maybe peace I cry out to you I DON’T KNOW HOW TO PRAY I look to the sky and see The smallest spot of the most beautiful sapphire blue In a sea of nothing And I cry