My New Diet

I started a new diet that promised it would be. The diet of all diets and it would set me free. They said I’d lose a lot of weight in just a month or two. And I would get so thin and svelte as if I was brand new. They said I’d have to give up foods that I eat every day. They said it was unfortunate, there was no other way. And so they started to remove most of my favorite foods. The ones that always put me in those very happy moods. The first thing that would have to go was everything deep fried. Not wanting to show weakness, they never knew I cried. And then they said I’d have to give up butter on my bread. That was the moment I broke down, a sea of tears were shed. They said no cakes or muffins, good-bye to chocolate chips. They said it was the only way to keep them off my hips. Of course they said no ice-cream, now that was no surprise. And no more cherry, pumpkin or luscious chocolate pies. No gravy and no stuffing, not even one small bite. They said I could have turkey as long as it was white. No bacon in the morning, no pizza for my lunch. No pancakes and no waffles with syrup for my brunch. I had to give up donuts with toppings of all types. Linzer tarts and cookies with those lovely lemon stripes. Gone were the potato chips and all the lovely dips. No more was I allowed to taste sweet candies on my lips. Now I drink black coffee for breakfast every day. Shredded wheat for breakfast, the one that tastes like hay. At lunchtime a small salad and different types of fruits. For dinner time a chicken breast with rice and bamboo shoots. Then nightly I drink herbal tea to soothe my hungry nerves. But when I go to sleep at night I dream about hors d’oeuvres.