she was an angry woman
not much love,
she wouldnt put up with a man
the mistake women made then,
prostitution for security,
selling your heart for money,
she regretted having me,
single mom, poor,
abused by the culture,
her love was shown
in that she didnt abandon us,
even though she was tempted,
her mother wasnt that strong,
my heart didnt value that,
i wanted to be wanted, loved.
I saw the other children,
wanted, loved, rich,
my blinders on,
rose coloured glasses,
envy, despair, no self esteem,
worthlessness, less than human,
not expensive enough clothes,
not nice enough car,
"drop me off a block from school"
"I am not shopping at wal-mart"
something i didnt notice then
i have always been blessed with beauty
i never even saw the girls that adored me
too afraid, to poor, to stupid,
If my mother didnt love me, how could another?
greedy, selfish women, angry,
years of oppression, and taking it out on me,
the male, the enemy, "no love from mommy".
Now i pay the price for my fathers oppression.
the gay guys arent as wierd as i thought,
at least they are getting laid.
The women i meet now,
if i love them
i am not good enough for them
if i use them or tell them how pathetic they are,
they love me, addicted, cant leave.
On occassion i love a weaker girl,
i see their potential,
usually sexually abused as a child,
they will leave, hate me,
for my honesty,
too afraid of love, of closeness,
get pregnant and leave or kill themself,
one or the other, such drama,
If a child wont end their suffering
then death will.
What did i do to deserve this?