My Dear Sweet Lost Child Daughter of My Wasted Youth a Confession

My Dear, Sweet, lost Child ? Daughter of my wasted youth ! A confession I am truly sorry Gail, for all that I was - that selfish, inconsiderate, thoughtless man - I am truly sorry Gail, for all that I was not !, - a responsible, considerate, good father - as I left behind, in the wake of my life, a beautiful girl child, a child who, by her own strength, came to a stage, just one of many, - as I recall – in her life, that have plagued her, with so many questions, so much insecurity, such deep doubt about what she is ?, who she is ?, how she got to be ?, what it will take to be free ? What I see !, is a beautiful young woman, who has found the answers, who has the strength, the courage, the wisdom to move beyond all of her life’s adversities, moved beyond all that has troubled her, - filled her mind for so many, long and wasted years – to find and live a life few can only hope to achieve. She has left her troubled soul behind, stepped out of the limitations her creators instilled, - limitations her creators are trapped in -, walked past, and far beyond the worst and best they could be, to be a much better person then they and in her own right. Their right Gail, - your mothers and mine – was created by forces, forces beyond the innocent, naiveté of our youthful experiences. And so my Dear, sad to say, we are left to deal with all of life - rainbows, black clouds, mirrored lakes, raging seas, open fields, dark and mysterious caves, happiness, securities, doubts, insecurities and a life time of sadness’s – yet most of us, realize, ( to one degree or another ) that life goes on in spite and perpetuates itself – for the good of mankind and this planet we share ( from the infinitesimal atom to the mighty, majestic mountains or the destruction of conscious humanity and our tiny inverse - for better or worse as we act out the characters our forefathers created. I can not help but be deeply saddened – heart broken – by all that troubles you, about me, about your mother, but most of all – troubles you about yourself. You know my Dear, there is positively nothing you can do, think, feel, understand – no matter how much, I wish I could take the hands of father time and turn them back – that will take the hands of time, turn them to the time of youth and change what I, and the past created for you. Fear not my Dear, for you can ask ?, question ?, understand, and with that knowledge, step aside, embrace the past and with knowledge in hand, walk a different path then those that came before knowing that the past permeates the present with its essence, as it does the future, but it is only you, who has the power to make the choice, of whether or not the past controls you or you the past. Ones actions – at a time when another’s needs, need be met – does not necessarily mean what the other has thought and felt. My actions, my choices Gail, where just that, my choices. None of what I did or did not do had anything to do with you, even though – in the end – it did, it affected you negatively. My decision Gail, good or bad, selfish and thoughtless where not meant to take anything away from you – but did – except for my physical presence, for my love and concerns where always in mind, where always with you, even if I wasn’t. You know my Dear, - of course you don’t – I wish you had kept all the correspondence from me, as I have done, from you, so that we might go through them all and see, and know if what I now perceive of myself these days, reflects a truth of the man I think I was in those days. Was I the man then I am now ?, is the man I am now, one of worth ?, more worthy today then yesterday ?, I cannot say, I do not know but what ever the case ?, I loved you as much then as I do now, regardless, and in spite of all that may seem, and seemed uncertain. I realize Gail, that certainty, memories, experiences are but illusions in the mind, in the passing of time, what counts, is living the moment, – at least for me – sucking the life out of it, without reservation, for, within the moment, are carried the all, and all we are at that precise moment when the twinkling of life’s eye shows us the light, the colours, the knowledge, the wisdom as they move on, on the wings of rainbows, that are moved by the solar winds of our conscious / subconscious life. The all we were, the all we are, the all we will ever be, in this moment, all or fragments of, will live in the next moment. How we direct our moments Gail, come on the wings of who and what we were, who and what we are and what previous moments added to the equation.