Lost

I don't really like to question God too much but sometimes I have to ask. Y? I never really fit in anywhere. I was always either too much or not enough. Nothing ever makes me happy. I have never been the best at doing anything. I always say I'm still young and I'm finding myself, but time is going and I'm still in the same place that I've been trying to move from. I thought I found love once, but that was taken away and given to someone I guess God felt was more deserving. I never loved the same. I thought I found my place in the world, but once again that was taken away just like the love I thought I found. Sometimes I look in the mirror and a sadness coats my eyes. I look deeper and I feel shame. I just wander off into pointless dreams that happiness does exist SOMEWHERE. I gave up on many things. Even God at one point. I thought to myself that there's no way God would allow his child to live in such dark spirits. It's true that one event can change a lifetime. I was a kid. I knew it was wrong, but I guess I should've never been there. Why do I even care about it? It was over ten years ago. I thought time would heal everything. That's my favorite line. I can handle everything because in time it will get better. BS. You never forget. Experiences control who you become. I hate that people always views my life as an easy task. I guess you never understand what makes a strong person stand tall when chaos is everywhere until you become that person. I'm a firm believer in everything happens for a reason, but I never figure out the reason. Why is my life not the way I want it to be? I try hard to get what I want out of life and although I have all the pieces it never seems to come together. Don't get me wrong. I'm grateful for the things I have, but some things aren't as valuable to others. I'm tired of putting my life on hold. When do I get a chance to be the person that I am inside? When feel the sadness leave me? When will I no longer have to deal with the shame? When will I find my calling? Where do I belong in this world? Better question, Y am I here? Looking for my place..... Lost!!!!!