Loss

“Loss” I had such a beautiful house that I ceaned to make myself real. Such peace and quiet there, shattering loneliness and no people A deck which held my tinkling chimes… sound so empty, it hurt. Plenty of food to eat, my brain starved, my heart starved I thought I was in partnership How could I have kidded myself? We drove places together So what? Shared about the distance between my sons and myself.?Did I even know who I was talking to? Cold blustery winds outside I couldn’t get warm inside for anything. Because I existed there did not make me loved or loving. Talking about my sons wasn’t bringing them any closer. I made salads from beautiful ingredients which did not mean I was a wife I trusted with everything an example of my having been an abused child never understood boundaries who was safe to share with or not… So often I spoke of redemption my words were cast off casually I needed to make things right It was as though I spoke of the weather. My intention became to end my life out of the frustration of being in such a wrong place and so far away. Even that became a comic joke. Next door neighbors cherished one another yet I was as alone as it gets and could see no way back to being my real self again ever. I didn’t know the difference Just knew I was miserable and wanted out…whatever it took