Home » Poems » Colleen Bono » Life Or Death

Life Or Death

As long as I can remember,which is about 40yrs, I have always felt different.I have a different outlook on how life should be.People think that I use my mental illness as an excuse for the things I do or how I think.I can only wish it was an excuse. I will do anything to not have to live like I do now. Anything includes leaving the physical world to search for final peace,what ever that might be.I have yet to find anything I enjoy or makes me happy.I have lost a lot of important people that I needed to succeed.I have lost my way and unsure if I can find my way back.I don't trust anyone including myself.I don't know how to express myself in the right way so I don't get the help I need.Suicide is in my thoughts daily.At times it consumes me.It has become the poems I write,the music I listen to,the paper's I read.It's everywhere.I am having dreams about driving off a cliff only to awake just before.I don't feel like my life is meant to be.Every road I follow leads me to a dead end.I am only a burden.I love my kids and grandchildren but feel I am holding them back.I do know how it feels to lose your parents but if I stay around it will make it harder for everyday life.It's not fair to anyone to go through everyday being miserable.We all die someday. I think it would be unique to die on your birthday.Mine is coming up.I know that no one will believe it was an accident and I am sorry.I know deep in my heart it is better this way.Everyone tells me they just want me to be happy.I can't seem to find happiness here. Now I must make a final decision, Life or Death. May 16,2013

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Skat A

Date: 5/26/2015 6:18:00 PM

so deep

Skat A

Date: 11/21/2013 10:23:00 AM

This is sad Colleen, maybe you are not looking deep enough....... This is going to my Faves.... Never have i read a poem with so much despair. SKAT

Poet Destroyer A

Date: 7/11/2013 10:32:00 PM

Colleen, .. Congratulations, in the MELTDOWN contest... take care-- always~ Linda

Connie Gildersleeve

Date: 7/9/2013 10:18:00 AM

Colleen I'm happy you placed for a win. You've conveyed so many emotions, mental illness is as painful as physical pain. Reach out please for some one that can help. Hugs and best wishes, Connie

Jiril Clemons

Date: 7/3/2013 4:02:00 PM

Sad, but beautiful written poem Colleen. I can relate to the pressures of life. Keep hope alive, your talent is special. My name is Jiril Clemons. Check out my poems, might find one you like, specifically the one called "One Sign Will Suffice". Peace!

John Posey

Date: 6/20/2013 6:29:00 AM

Coleen, I can feel the sweetness in your soul. I am not one to push religion onto anyone.... I can only relate what I feel. I cannot speak for God. What is, or is not between you and God is not for me to say. I know only that I am the authority on me and God... No one else can speak to that relationship. Just remember... You are loved by an awesome power greater than anything here on earth. Talk to Him... He will respond and walk with you through all tribulation... and.... Just know I love you.

Andrea Dietrich

Date: 6/16/2013 11:34:00 AM

This is just so sad, Colleen. Do you have anyonein your life to talk to? I remember when my hubbie was worse than now (with suicide thoughts) and he had to find a network of people to talk to, people who were feeling the same as he. I know your feelings are real and I pray you can find people who can help you because truly, there has to be some way for you to feel better. I will keep you in my prayers. Luv, Andrea (choose life, dear.)

Sara Kendrick

Date: 6/15/2013 7:03:00 PM

Thanks for all the visits..Sara

Richard Lamoureux

Date: 6/8/2013 6:12:00 PM

Happy Birthday Collen. They say Life begins at Forty, I hope this chapter results in all your dreams finally being realized. Hugs Rick.

Poet Destroyer A

Date: 6/8/2013 2:57:00 PM

HI...HOPE YOU READ MY LATEST BLOG.. LINDA

Joyce Johnson

Date: 6/2/2013 11:12:00 PM

Dear Colleen. Such a pretty name. It should belong to a happy person. You have lived long enough to be a grandma and you should find your joy in them. This poetry corner may not be the source to find help as there seem to be so many depressed people that they may drag you down more. I love this world that God has given me and I won't leave a minute before I have to. If you would like to talk to me on soup mail, I would be glad to listen. Love, Joyce

Poet Destroyer A

Date: 6/2/2013 5:08:00 PM

Tex is for Texas... LOl,,, I'm from Texas ..I'm finally changing my name

Phillip Rollings

Date: 6/2/2013 10:05:00 AM

Colleen,Here is a little something that may help lift your spirits.You are the first comment I have ever received. Know that you were very inspirational in me joining Poetrysoup I hope you decide to pick Life so you can help me grow in writing Poetry. Now that I'm on sight I will try to call HG, HG and not Chef I may forget a couple of times, but I wish you would remind me if I do say Chef.I don't think he will be commenting for a couple more weeks. I'm sending you a soup mail with more info

Poet Destroyer A

Date: 6/1/2013 9:15:00 PM

wow... Colleen, I am honored on the compliment... i changed my picture to the Girl Avatar from the movie Avatar''' i'm in such a mood.. i can't explain... I'm always happy to hear from you... always~ Linda

Richard Lamoureux

Date: 5/31/2013 9:55:00 PM

Hi Collen, I hope your mood is improving. Because of your comment I have written three for today. I hope you enjoy. Good night, hugs Rick

John Loving Iii

Date: 5/31/2013 10:28:00 AM

Two years before April died she told me that she wouldn't live over two years . I knew the reasons why .that was my sacrifice to God . My torment lasted and still goes on . I want to go and be with her . But I can't pass this pain to my mother sisters or God who is counting on me .how are you going to quit being a mom . Your reward will be greater because you endured so much . After I felt just like you for three years .I asked God to take him away . He did .today I mourn but I'm not depressed .

John Loving Iii
Date: 5/31/2013 10:33:00 AM

After my divorce

Poet Destroyer A

Date: 5/30/2013 9:17:00 AM

Good morning Colleen, so far so good... I wish you lived in driving distance to me.. That way I could share something strange with you... I had been depressed for the last 2 weeks almost.... hopefully God, will forgive me for the my wrongful thoughts... I wake up asking him for forgiveness, and sleep asking for forgiveness... life just isn't right.. but, today i woke up with a new relief.. I didn't get it the right way :-( :-( it was nice hearing from you this morning... xox~ Linda

Poet Destroyer A

Date: 5/25/2013 8:21:00 PM

soup mail

Poet Destroyer A

Date: 5/24/2013 2:05:00 PM

Hi Colleen, thank you for the hi... I don't know what to say at this time... I've been having such a bad week. I skipped my work today. been down in the blues... nothing has gotten me out of this mood... :-(... see you later... xox~ Linda

Sara Kendrick

Date: 5/23/2013 4:41:00 PM

Being depressed is not a good state to be in..It is good that you can write about it..You are in a rutt..Everytime you think about it, write about it, talk about it(suicide) the rutt is made deeper..You need to think about something else, get outside and get exercise, eat very nutrious meals and see professional mental health doctors, nurse, etc...Very expressive work..Thanks for stopping by..Sara

Allan Koven

Date: 5/23/2013 12:18:00 PM

It is a terrible thing, depression. I have Dysthemia, similar and long time running. Thoughts are displayed in my existential poetry. Probably much like yours. Happiness as you have discovered is illusive. We all struggle in our different ways. The end will come when it will come. It needs no help from you. We hear your cries and feel your pain but we need you to be here to help us.

Richard Lamoureux

Date: 5/22/2013 9:31:00 AM

Good morning Colleen, I have a poetic challenge for your talented pen. I want you to imagine a happy day and describe what that looks like. Describe how you feel when you wake up what you do and who you spend time with. The sky is the limit! Amaze me! Surprise yourself! You can be anyone do anything and be with who ever you wish, no limits exist.

Debbie Duncan

Date: 5/21/2013 6:00:00 PM

Then life it is Colleen ;} you must always think positive, my mom always told her kids "don't sit there and cry over spilt milk" get up and fix it.,,,, I know how negative thoughts can try and pull your soul down. You might try writing affirmations for the next 30 days must be strong for your family. I wish you health ;}

Joyce Johnson

Date: 5/21/2013 11:16:00 AM

Dear Friend, I hope this is only a poem and does not connect to your life. I have lost a few people to suicide and believe me it is not the answer. You ask where I live. I live in Northwest Washington between LaConner and Mount Vernon. I live in the beautiful Skagit Valley and life is wonderful here. I would be glad to hear more from you. Love, Joyce

Sasha Maharaj

Date: 5/21/2013 3:11:00 AM

you choose life. becoz you can overcome this. let ur children n grandchildren be the light in you life and the reason for your smile. *hugs*