Life On the Ranch

When the mortgage comes due And you ain’t got a dime And the new calf turns blue As you’re wipin’ ‘way slime… And the pond’s all dried up From this dang five-year drought, And your dog had twelve pups While your wife’s got the gout… And the price of lamb mutt Falls clear through the floor— As the biggest pork butt Turns out to be yours… The truck’s seen better days And the cattle guard don’t— As the north fence just lays, But your chickens sure won’t! And your maw chaws Red Man— Your sis is a marine. Your brother’s turned vegan, But he still won’t eat a bean. The herd has that “Mad Cow,” Your horses have gone wild— You’re bein’ sued right now By your own dern love child! And while these things all hurt, Your dad says he likes MEN! That he’s been wearin’ skirts Since he don’t right know when! Then your wife runs away With your best pard, ol’ Jim, And you’re just not okay, ‘Cause you sure do miss HIM! Don’t let it get you down— This might be your last chance— Keep your boots on the ground— That’s just life on the ranch!