Jean-Claud Is Santa Claus

'Twas the night before Christmas, I awoke to Santa in my house, a chubby bloke He rubbed his pudgy tummy Said, "The cookies are yummy. But can you offer me a rum and coke?" I stared at him with my mouth wide open Hopin' Santa wasn't high from dopin' He pointed to his nose And told me, "This job blows, It's the best way I can keep on copin'." There were stomping sounds coming from my roof One of his reindeer has a twitchy hoof "When Rudolph has to go That's how he lets me know." Was Santa Claus tricking me with a spoof? He asked about my wife. What a perve! Thinking he was kinky threw me a curve When he started dancing The reindeer were prancing All of them had gotten on my last nerve! I finally kicked him out of my house When he said he wanted to kiss my spouse Dasher said, "That's a wrap. Enough of this fake crap. Santa's going down for being a louse! The reindeer flew away, just before dawn Leaving Santa Claus sprawled upon my lawn I hid him beneath a quilt Behind a snowman I built So, my kids wouldn't know he's just a con We scattered toys we'd bought under the tree They'd never know they were from Mom and me Nor that Santa's a fraud Whose real name is Jean-Claude Who imbibed far too much beer and Chablis!