Jack's Ironman Contest

Not quite as thin and nimble being middle-aged, Jack entered the Ironman contest feeling brave, trying to jump over the candlestick, he fell into it doing a split, with his privates requiring a little first aid, Then he had to jump over a paddling pool, he gave a running start as best he could, falling and doing a big belly flop, the gigantic wave he caused didn't stop, the audience all at once looking like a used wet mop, Then came the ships tall mast, he ran and ran and jumped as best he can, falling and landing on the poop deck, where he landed was appropriate, because in his pants he had a slight "accident," Next thing you know he had to jump over the planets and stars, instead he jumped in his car and yelled out, "Are you people crazy, what do I look like, an astronaut or a cow!?! Next morning at all the stores, there was a snapshot on the nursery rhyme rag paper of Jack and his sores, sticking his tongue out and doing a raspberry to the reporters, with the caption saying "Jack too old and fat, winner of contest is now Jack Sprat!"