Insecurity Part Two

I went against my better judgment, I was flattered not appalled, the only affection that I had ever known was just affection that I didn’t want By a man that was many years older than me, and he didn’t show me any affection he just expected to receive I had never kissed anyone before, no one’s lips had ever touched mine, so when this boy took me home that night I was confused and a little surprised I didn’t know what to do, no one had talked to me about this, although the ironic part is that I was more experienced than I thought then, probably more so than him So, I leaned in, and I let him sweetly take my lips in with his, and to say that I felt butterflies would be an understatement I felt a feeling that I had never felt before, but with what I had been put through in the past I didn’t know for sure If this was real, if this was how teenagers are supposed to feel? And then came the decision where do we go from here? He taught me things in his own boyish way, he was my first real kiss and taste of love, at least in the normal way He was the first boy to touch me, the first boy to hold me close, the first to cross any lines with me, but he never got the most I was afraid of being touched and touching in return, because in my mind although I didn’t want to think about it those bitter memories burned Burned into my psyche and it’s almost as if he were there, in a sick way berating me for even trying to care To care about this boy, to feel passion, to let someone in, I would push him away at times and then cling him to me again It’s not that I meant to do this, I didn’t even know what I was doing was wrong, teasing someone with my advances towards them, I was just playing along I wasn’t aware that I had this power, and this intrigued me, but I wasn’t going to take advantage of this knowledge, so I let him instead use me I let him tell me lies and treat me like pure dirt, behind my back he was dating others and didn’t care about my feelings being hurt One day he just stopped calling and I could never understand why, he would dodge my calls until I finally got the message loud and clear he was telling me goodbye Oh, the pain that I felt then, I could never describe, this hurt me deeply more than anything ever in my life I guess because I wanted this because this choice was mine, it wasn’t something I was told to do and meant to feel like a crime But even after all that I gave it just wasn’t enough, I was too blind to see that what he gave to me wasn’t what I thought was love So, the next boy I met this one hit me hard emotionally, I was rendered still by his presence metaphorically he brought me to my knees At the tender age of sixteen I believed that I had found the love of my life, he was the boy I had dreamed of staring me right back in my eyes He thought there was no one like me and he could see what I could not, my insecurities overtook me then and oh the misery it brought I hurt him so badly, in every imaginable way, from ignoring his kind words to putting his misery on display I made him look like a fool to all the lookers on, hanging onto another boy just to revel in the feeling it brought I couldn’t bear to let someone love me and back then I couldn’t understand why, but now the picture is so clear now as I look back with wiser eyes I was messed up emotionally, distraught in my own head, I thought that someone loving you would only lead to pain because that is what I had been fed I was disillusioned, still believing in that man’s lies, that no one could ever truly love me I was tainted and disguised Wearing our secret like a shroud around me constantly letting the pain in, and believing that I was not of worth to anyone or anything, that they were only playing pretend I only wanted attention in the only way I knew, the way I was taught, to have someone want me for my body because I had no other qualities, at least that is what I thought But the messed-up thing is that I didn’t want to cross that line with any of them, I just wanted to be held and cuddled, to feel safe again And the sad part is this is exactly what this boy was trying to do, he truly did care for me and all he wanted was to show me it was true But I was so destroyed on the inside more than he could ever have known, so even though we were together back then I felt I was still alone The day came that he just couldn’t do this anymore, after all the lies and misery I put him through he walked out the door And all that I wanted after that was just to see his sweet face again, but every time that we saw one another he pretended I did not exist The tables had been turned and I was the one being slapped in the face, being given a dose of my own medicine and being asked if I liked the taste And oh, the mind games, they did a number on me, he made me question my sanity on more than one occasion, he was almost the end of me I thought deep down that I deserved it just add more onto my overflowing, emotional plate, this was my life now all giving and them just wanting to take He had my mind in a whirlwind and still deep within I battled right from wrong, those old insecurities came back to haunt me and the pain, oh the pain they brought I gave my innocence to this boy, the one that I no longer meant anything to, all because I felt that if I did somehow this would make him see the truth The truth that he did still love me even after all that had happened between us in the past, and I thought that if I gave him this gift it would be enough to make it last I was wrong in giving him this sacred part of me, he wasn’t deserving of my innocence but back then I couldn’t see I believed that my innocence was what every boy would want, at least that is how my mind worked with the way that I had been taught