In Convenience

I slowly unfurled the paper from the roll before my eyes - So this would be my last farewell - my one great feat in life. My thoughts were turned to others as I drew my Levi's up And wrapped the paper round my neck...then round once more for luck. With a wondrous calm I wedged the roll 'tween the cistern and the wall. "It's now or never", I thought aloud, and climbed up on the bowl. With breath expelled and hope expired I plunged toward the floor And pondered on the goodbye note I'd scratched into the door: 'Alas poor Fred, he knew not what his life was meant to be...' But my thoughts were interrupted as I buckled at the knees! A wave of horror gripped me until I saw the jest For I suddenly remembered..Sorbent's stretchier than the rest! So my history-making suicide was literally down the drain; But being determined as I was, I had to try again. A different angle this time - I would drown myself instead. So kneeling down to face the bowl..I gently lower my head. Salty tears spring to my eyes; my life-force rather stubborn - For I find in this position that I cannot reach the button! Resignedly I raise my head, I'd live my life devoutly, And when God decides it's time to go...He can bloody-well go without me!