I slowly unfurled the paper from the roll before my eyes -
So this would be my last farewell - my one great feat in life.
My thoughts were turned to others as I drew my Levi's up
And wrapped the paper round my neck...then round once more for luck.
With a wondrous calm I wedged the roll 'tween the cistern and the wall.
"It's now or never", I thought aloud, and climbed up on the bowl.
With breath expelled and hope expired I plunged toward the floor
And pondered on the goodbye note I'd scratched into the door:
'Alas poor Fred, he knew not what his life was meant to be...'
But my thoughts were interrupted as I buckled at the knees!
A wave of horror gripped me until I saw the jest
For I suddenly remembered..Sorbent's stretchier than the rest!
So my history-making suicide was literally down the drain;
But being determined as I was, I had to try again.
A different angle this time - I would drown myself instead.
So kneeling down to face the bowl..I gently lower my head.
Salty tears spring to my eyes; my life-force rather stubborn -
For I find in this position that I cannot reach the button!
Resignedly I raise my head, I'd live my life devoutly,
And when God decides it's time to go...He can bloody-well go without me!