Impassioned Pathetic

You’d been drinking and I disgusted you. I knew it was the end. The tears I shed were real – even if chemically enhanced. You were so bitter; the look on your face told the story. There was not even pity left. Each tear falling in vain from my gaunt and empty eyes. A tear for each: pride, dignity and self control. My final humiliation. You couldn’t know, and couldn’t afford to care, Not any more. I was already gone, everyone knew but me. I had sold my soul for mortar in my walls. My words had become distorted and lost so long ago. My feelings had become diluted lies, fed by the sickness I called friend. In the midst of my degradation you said stay. I told you if I did I’d never go ( another lie. ) I was searching your face for a deeper truth, something other than cool repulsion. Looking back you knew, you knew even more than I. The addiction would have all of me- would have everything. Even love couldn’t hold it off, of course I’d go ( I always go.) “ This was thee end of my reverence” The prelude to my final descent into inadequacy- the testament of a fool. This wouldn’t be the last time I embarrassed myself, but it would be the last time I cared. I would see you again, of course I would, there was just too much left to dissipate. I would carve an image deep inside - “ a memory ” The golden light In your hair as you sat, guitar in your lap, half hearted smiles, attempts too believe , attempts to give me back a piece of myself, pieces that no longer fit.” Not even your love, our love, could save me now. As much as I wanted not to be what I was, there was nothing that could set me free. My fate had been sealed long before you. The years to come would bring the suffering I’d always wanted and the memory of you would be the sharpest knife of all. The one to haunt my dreams. The one to drive my days, in my inane such for deeper meaning, something to tell me I hadn’t been mistaken my whole life, some relief from my bitter truth. So this was the end. I surrendered to my failure. I walked out, I left. And nothing has ever been the same, I’ve never been the same. And I never forgot…