I Write Sins, Not Tragedies-Pt2

I am a man who at the time of the mistakes of which I speak today did not know who i was or why I had no connection with anyone. I didn’t know what gaslighting was, what narcissistic was. I didn’t leave your house I didn’t have friends I didn’t have family I had myself and do you really think I haven’t suffered?? Before you. During you. Since you? How I was when I was with you haunts me. How I was when I with her haunts me. How I was yesterday haunts me. I am a man who spent a year being told how awful he was, and is using the pain of the woman who said it to grow; to try to die not whispering apologies but with a clear conscience. I am a man that wants your forgiveness. Not for me. And this is why I am confused. Does it affect our child? How I treated you? When you look at her and see me do you feel guilty? I am not trying to abuse you by asking these questions. I want you to move on. To find the strength to forgive yourself. To forgive me. You have suffered. I have suffered. She has suffered. Look at the world. How much time do we have left? It could all be ripped from us at any moment, each blink holding the possibility of being our last. Must I become a ghost for you to heal? I want the answer to that question to be “no” because it would mean that you’re healing. I have a tattoo that reads “espero” It means Hope in a language never flourished. It means Hope In a language that died. I hope that one day you forgive me. I hope that one day I forgive myself. I’m still selfish. I’m still angry. I’m still abusive. I’m working on it. I will one day delete these words and all of those that come after, but for now, until the day dawns that I feel at peace with who I am and what I have done, I will confess my sins.