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how my illness affects my relationships

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Below is the poem entitled how my illness affects my relationships which was written by poet Troy Nelson. Please feel free to comment on this poem. However, please remember, PoetrySoup is a place of encouragement and growth.

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how my illness affects my relationships

Ok im in love
been with a man for a year
who has swept me off my feet
I have been diagnosed
witha schitso effective mood disorder
i also am a recovering drug addict

Paranoia?
fear of your lover being your hitman
and then asking him how much the government is paying him
to make love to you
and not cringe
as you look for how the pieces fit
and his reasons of being in your life for the worst possible case sceraio
whem maybe just maybe
he is in love with you
for being kind hearted and generous
and sensitive
and creative

always wondering if hes cheating
always missing him
always keeping these things in the forefront of your mind
where were you?
with who?
why did that take soo long?
I know you say you love me.......
but
does anyone truly trust anyone that much to believe in love?

A guilty conscience from a drug addiction
due to meeting people who want to hook up
to use them for drugs
and then leave
this is called being a player
so basicaly if he was a cheater i would have drove him to it

In the end the result is
i want him to be happy
and the question is
how did i get soo screwed up
mental illness
paranoia
wondering why everyone is soo happy while your confused
putting pieces together to a mystery that may or may not be there
wondering even if you were a good detective and you did solve the crime
would you do anything anyway?
or just stay where you felt safe in the comfort of the nightmare of all the lies
that you proved to yourself were right

fight or flight?


In the end i always choose love
now love is a weapon
feeling seduced
and not soo well
question upon question of whats the worst that could happen as everything 
seems to blow up in your face


hopwever life continually proving you wrong
and people showing you again and again
they are your safe place and rock
even if you question it from time to time
has been reality babysitting me
and a saving grace
as my illness keeps me on my toes
and challenges me and my lover from day to day
and i wonder
how he can see through all my walls to the beauty i know i hold
and tell me about it
and make me feel so great

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  1. Date: 7/10/2009 9:03:00 PM
    this poem is so empowering to me and makes me feel as though i am not alone in the world with this mental illness. your words are so moving and helps a person to see from the point of view of someone who suffers from a mental illness and helps them to understand the every day challenges that person must face each day. very moving indeed well written.