How My Illness Affects My Relationships

Ok im in love been with a man for a year who has swept me off my feet I have been diagnosed witha schitso effective mood disorder i also am a recovering drug addict Paranoia? fear of your lover being your hitman and then asking him how much the government is paying him to make love to you and not cringe as you look for how the pieces fit and his reasons of being in your life for the worst possible case sceraio whem maybe just maybe he is in love with you for being kind hearted and generous and sensitive and creative always wondering if hes cheating always missing him always keeping these things in the forefront of your mind where were you? with who? why did that take soo long? I know you say you love me....... but does anyone truly trust anyone that much to believe in love? A guilty conscience from a drug addiction due to meeting people who want to hook up to use them for drugs and then leave this is called being a player so basicaly if he was a cheater i would have drove him to it In the end the result is i want him to be happy and the question is how did i get soo screwed up mental illness paranoia wondering why everyone is soo happy while your confused putting pieces together to a mystery that may or may not be there wondering even if you were a good detective and you did solve the crime would you do anything anyway? or just stay where you felt safe in the comfort of the nightmare of all the lies that you proved to yourself were right fight or flight? In the end i always choose love now love is a weapon feeling seduced and not soo well question upon question of whats the worst that could happen as everything seems to blow up in your face hopwever life continually proving you wrong and people showing you again and again they are your safe place and rock even if you question it from time to time has been reality babysitting me and a saving grace as my illness keeps me on my toes and challenges me and my lover from day to day and i wonder how he can see through all my walls to the beauty i know i hold and tell me about it and make me feel so great