How It Begins

I don’t want it to happen, but it does This craving urge that cannot be resisted It starts with a sensation that begins deep within A desire to be pleasured and satisfied Through the hot sweats I can sense the overcoming feeling of sickness It begins in my stomach, but then travels to my mind and emotions But I can’t stop in the middle of it all Even if I could, the sickness is already there I’m always prepared with the necessities for the end Whether it be a box cutter or an Xacto knife A lighter to melt away the last result that presents itself over and over again It begins with a tight grip, usually my hand on my leg Holding the skin with force makes it easier and all the better I take a deep breath in to ready for the start Necessities and skin meet, not for the first time The Red Sea parts and flows with waves of relief Watching it, like the sunset, but with dirty voices How disgusting I feel, how disgusting it feels to be this way Such a dirty, dirty whore But there are no tears I redress my body and feel the stinging relapse throughout the day But I pay no attention to it; I just let it be And I usually make some coffee and sit down on the couch Watching a movie, and doing word search or Sudoku puzzles Like nothing ever happened Just like nothing ever happened And that’s usually how it ends Written November 5, 2009