How Do You Like Them Apples

Coming from Texas, I knew he’d be loud And soon I discovered that two is a crowd Is that the privy? he asked of my house When he saw my dog he said you’ve got a mouse! We heard on the news that a bush kangaroo It might have been two, had escaped from the zoo He said that in Texas there’s no cangerroose Don't know what they are but they wouldn't get loose He bragged that in Texas the average rat Is three times the size of what we call a cat He spotted some sheep and a grin touched his lips Why have you got a field full of Q-tips And then as we stood there a crow passed us by The Texan said hey bud, should I swat that fly He whipped up my carpet and then told me that He’s going to splat it with this little mat My pet snake I showed him, I thought he might squirm He said back in Texas, we call that a worm He stared at my garage and called it a hive I was still miffed when we went for a drive We drove by some cows that were stocky and fat But Tex said his pigs are far bigger than that Well, I bit my tongue as I drove, heading south The only thing big around here was his mouth Those two missing Roos hopped right into the road The Texan appeared to think I should have slowed I sped up and ran them both down with my truck He cried stone the crows, are you nuts, what the f*ck He shouted pull over, you must call the coppers I said that I would for a dog or a cat But not for a couple of bloody grasshoppers! He never said much after that