Heres Why My CV Needs Work
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NAME: Phil Latio.
QUALIFICATIONS: LLB (Law) PhD (Medicine) & FSC (Federation Starfleet
Commander).
POSITION: Head job.
AGE: pass.
SEX: I don’t like being labelled or misgendered.
CONTACT DETAILS: Probably best I contact you. I am currently residing at an
undisclosed location awaiting the findings of a Securities and Exchange
Commission investigation.
PLACE OF BIRTH: Mother’s hoo haa!
NATIVE LANGUAGE: Don’t know any, is that gonna be a problem?
MARITAL STATUS: Fantastic! Couldn’t be better. Well, pretty good, to be honest
it needs attention. Okay, it sucks alright, I can’t breathe, it’s a total
clusterfu-ck! I go to bed at night hoping my spleen will rupture and I’ll bleed
out before dawn.
EDUCATION: I remember an abacus and my Battlestar Galactica lunchbox.
FURTHER TRAINING: Went back to school and progressed to a calculator and a
Batman cooler (for my beer) and blitzed it, completing Grade 10 graduating
in the top 98% of my class.
RECENT WORK HISTORY: Too much to mention here.
LAST EMPLOYER: We had a sudden parting of the ways. At an informal
business meeting it is alleged that I acted inappropriately. In my defence I
do suffer from impaired hearing. What he actually said was to close the door
and “hold my calls!”.
PREFERRED HOURS: Lunch hour, dinner hour, happy hour.
SALARY: I’m willing to start on a retainer equivalent to the hidden annual
personal contributions to Bill & Hillary from the Clinton Foundation in my first
year plus bribes (sorry, benefits). After that we can negotiate stock options, a
bit-chin’ set of wheels, a Happy Hookers gold card membership and generous
bonus renumeration package commensurate with my flair and expertise.
MOST ADMIRED PERSON: I’m conflicted here. I’m torn between Hugh Hefner
and Warnie. Actually, no I’m not, it’s a no-brainer. Hef may be old and his fun
parts on life support but c’mon he’s Hef!
AMBITION: To get laid (like a lot - without having to beg). To be able to share
a mercy flirt with the office tragic and not get some bogus charge of indecent
assault thrown at you when I get mothered at the Christmas work party. To
hang with Hef in the Playboy Mansion…duh! To make enough money to wipe
the smug superior smiles off the likes of Rupert Murdoch and James Packer
and reduce them to bit players on my grand stage. Oh, and to dedicate
myself in an orphanage doing God’s work - not in Bangladesh or Africa but
like Bondi or Surfers.
ATTRIBUTES: I have more attributes than virgins at a Star Trek convention. I
never do drugs at work. I never take credit for something I didn’t do unless I
want to screw some manipulative little grub over because he/she is a
workplace cancer or because it’s just a fun thing to do. Principles and loyalty
mean everything to me, but not at the expense of career advancement and
personal wealth creation. Also I’m always kind to widows and prostitutes.
I AM CURRENTLY READING: A summons to appear before a Disciplinary Review
Board. Don’t know what that’s about.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: Avoiding jail time. Lucky for me iron clad
witnesses would often fail to show. They were all stitch-ups anyway!
DISLIKES: Eyewitnesses and whistleblowers.
LIKES: My hobbies include drinking beer; gambling but not with my own
money; computer hacking and identity fraud; drinking beer; amputee po-rn
(if it’s done tastefully); peeking through high powered telescope (I’m talking
Hubble here) adjacent to beaches, water parks, gyms, high rise apartment
buildings; and drinking beer. I also have a social conscience and I am an
enthusiastic donor of sperm and blood, although I am urgently advised that
I should seek treatment for both my conditions before resuming deposits.
Furthermore I am a committed vagetarian (I only eat fish).
POLITICAL PERSUASION: I am a staunch Marxist - Groucho that is! Screw the
workers, greed is good!
ANY COMPULSIVE BEHAVIOURS: Not when I’m sober or clean.
FAVOURITE SERIAL KILLER: Hard to say. Some used meat cleavers, some
piano wire, some tyre irons, some preferred a Black & Decker and a
woodchipper, some used a vat of hydrochloric acid and a turkey baster. To
each his own - I like ‘em all!
MEDICAL CONDITIONS: Just a little Mad Cow - nothing to be concerned about.
Also a few misdiagnosed issues with my neurotransmitters. For this I attend a
court ordered short weekly burst of electroconvulsive therapy for my dribbling
and mood swings. It seems to be working. Haven’t had a psychotic episode in
almost a week.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A JOB? Unbridled power; no accountability;
unaudited expense accounts; extravagant perks; insider trading
opportunities; access to foreign bank accounts in non-extradition
jurisdictions.
HAVE YOU EVER COMMITTED A SEX CRIME? Only against myself.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CONVICTED OF A CRIME? Convicted? No!
HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY? Which one? They’re all
quite manageable.
WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST ASSET? Probably my rare 1979 “Bogans at Bathurst
Supporters Tour” stubbie holder signed by Peter Brock at Mt. Panorama. I’ve
never been so sh-itfaced!
WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN FIVE YEARS? In the sixth year of my
Caribbean vacation.
WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST FEAR? A busted condom at a family reunion. Just
kidding, I don’t use ‘em!
ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? I see naked people. Mostly on Pornhub.
BIGGEST FAILING? I care too much.
GENERAL COMMENTS: Not since Jim Jones and David Koresh has there been a
more charismatic and dynamic leader with a unique vision for mankind. I am
the future. You don’t want your competitors headhunting me. I’m doing you a
huge favour by giving you first crack at a once in a lifetime opportunity. Get
in before the post-apocalyptic dawn. Now do the smart thing and HIRE ME!
SIGN HERE: Aquarius
Copyright © Keith D Trestrail | Year Posted 2022
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