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Heloise - First Draft

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Inspired by my reading a book a long time ago on the love story of Heloise and Abelard, but I did not pay good attention to triolet form when I wrote this!

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Like moon on nights of skies unstarred she lived without her Abelard. A parched, still plain was Heloise - like moon on nights of skies unstarred. In death she would not lose regard for him who’d been her rain and breeze. Like moon on nights of skies unstarred, she lived without her Abelard.

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Iris E. S-Lewis

Date: 3/3/2024 1:37:00 PM

Hi Andrea, Congrats on your short short. I enjoyed the rhythm, repetition of words. -namaste

Andrew John

Date: 2/13/2024 8:54:00 AM

I'm not familiar with the love story of Heloise and Abelard, but still find myself drawn into this poem: its words, its structure. Nice one, Andrea.

Andrea Dietrich
Date: 2/13/2024 1:00:00 PM

you've got to read their history. It's SO unusual. the poor man was castrated just for loving her.

Duke Beaufort

Date: 2/11/2024 9:14:00 AM

A nice thought that she could continue to think about Abelard even after death. We could always be soothed by that thought. So a first draft is life and what comes after might be the reprise? I love the title and the way it integrates with your description of this deep love--never extinguished.

Andrea Dietrich
Date: 2/11/2024 9:18:00 AM

Do you know their story, Duke? It is so tragic. It is unbelievable what they endured but I guess in the end, they found fulfillment in giving their life to religion. To be a true triolet, I would have to change half the poem, so I guess my fix would be to call it a simple rhyming poem

Ink Empress

Date: 2/11/2024 7:37:00 AM

Always happy to see you win dear sweet Andrea! Congratulations

Andrea Dietrich
Date: 2/11/2024 9:12:00 AM

Thank you

Suzette Richards

Date: 2/11/2024 2:23:00 AM

Congratulations on your podium win with this Triolet, Andrea. In the spirit of a full FEEDBACK: At first glance one does not notice that the rhyme scheme is off [a Triolet (usually an 8-line verse, but a 7-line or 9-line verse is possible) rhyme scheme is: ABaAabAB], and the required iambic tetrameter was thrown out of kilt by, for example, ‘him’ in line 6, it being an unstressed word. The unusual word ‘unstarred’ to rhyme with ‘Abelard’ was the clincher; not forgetting using alliteration: ‘s’ and ‘z’ Heloise/breeze (it is not wrong per se, but it jars a bit). Words with no natural rhyme can pose difficulties for poets, but you have seamlessly overcome these obstacles by weaving an emotive tale that draws attention away from the aforementioned technicalities. This is a great execution of the contest, First Draft, brief. ~Suzette

Andrea Dietrich
Date: 2/11/2024 9:14:00 AM

Thanks for the win. I really messed up my rhyme scheme, that is for sure.

Robert Schatz

Date: 2/11/2024 12:11:00 AM

Congratulations to Heloise: First Draft. Cheers...

Pivotal Poetry

Date: 2/10/2024 9:44:00 PM

Congrats on the win, nice write, clever words.

Abdullah Alhemaidy

Date: 2/10/2024 3:16:00 PM

Very lovely read! Last draft was made of seven lines.. Enjoyed reads :-)

Linda Alice Fowler

Date: 2/10/2024 1:29:00 PM

Awesomeness Andrea - compelling, lingering. I like this form and your rhythm and rhyme move the words along seamlessly. Congratulations! :)

Andrea Dietrich
Date: 2/10/2024 1:43:00 PM

thanks very much, Linda.

James Peranteau

Date: 2/10/2024 11:46:00 AM

Congrats for your Triolet Andrea...i'mean, Triumph dear poet ;) i read this yesterday, i came back to see if you posted again to notice with glee your trophy (((((claps)))))...iz your's freezen yet .)...lot'sa warmth to ya vooman...much love ')

Andrea Dietrich
Date: 2/10/2024 1:24:00 PM

Thanks, James and for your glee for me!

Silent One

Date: 2/10/2024 11:01:00 AM

Deep and emotive poem Andrea.. Best of luck in the contest..

Andrea Dietrich
Date: 2/10/2024 1:23:00 PM

Thanks, Silent One.

Robert Sidwell

Date: 2/10/2024 10:49:00 AM

Excellent poem! Especially for a first draft. Loved the flow and feel. Congratulations!!

Andrea Dietrich
Date: 2/10/2024 1:23:00 PM

Thanks, Robert. I'm so happy to get a trophy for this.

Ink Empress

Date: 2/10/2024 9:45:00 AM

Wow this flows so well, a first draft that sounds like a captivating chorus sweet andrea. You did the right thing choosing a poem that has a beat and is short and sweet. I especially love “ skies unstarred” “ unstarred is a clever one! I always love moon poems! Best wishes for the contest; i bet will be a winner

Andrea Dietrich
Date: 2/10/2024 10:53:00 AM

thanks, Ink. I had it up yesterday and took it down and then decided to put it up again . Sure glad I did!