Happily Scared

When you are used to rumbling skies & tilted paintings The calm feels shaky and constant smiles make you wonder if you're crazy. I am having trouble accepting the fact that i am happy ! The magical dragon that I have hunted for so long exists! Now what? How do i enjoy the honey dew dripping from my ever curved up mouth when the puzzle that is my heart has grown accustomed to cracking walls and the bitter taste of lemons and 'Its not you , its me' ? My own happiness gives me anxiety attacks at night when I wake up in the comfort of a tightly gripped cuddle _ wondering if he thought I would run away in my sleep _ After all , I toss and turn fighting the demons that keep telling me to not get comfortable - its bound to end - it always does. How do I tell him I have night mares about that the one who struck the fear of death in to my heart and shook the foundation that is now my daily anxiety cracks? But , i am so happy ... I speak with my eyes wide open I cry at the simplest happy thought ... Wait ... I smile ... actually smile Not the mismatched pained eyes and heavy curve I used to throw ..just to play the peopling ball. But the shadow that resides in my pocket at night spends its days dancing and praying to its Dark Lord because apparently even dark days have the seventh day circled on their calendars !!! I guess Its a sabbath!