Growing Up

From the moment I am jarred awake by the obnoxious summoning of my electronic sergeant, To the time when my deep down soul tiered eyes finally close and the restless tossing begins: I am Me. Balancing on the edge of adulthood, I am Intelligent, competent, goal oriented. Motivated, captivating, passionate. All put together, I have all the answers. Self-giving, I’ll stay up with you all night. My carefully constructed ensemble of black and white And painstakingly painted on mystic Hold me together. But in the small moments (In the bathroom, Just before a lecture begins, While I search of a missing shoe) I am just a kid. (Asking “What am I doing here?” and “How did I get so far from home?”) Mommy, please tell me what to do. Daddy, hold me so the monsters won’t get me (read to me, hug me, feed me love me, kiss me, and tell me I’ll always be your little girl). All around me are all these people doing all the things I never want to do on my own. I am Me. Backing away from adulthood, I am Scared of being alone forever. Confused about everything from men to global warming. Broken inside. Desperate for love. Dancing in my own personal Hundred Acre Woods. At night I leap on to Totoro’s tummy and fly across ancient forests. I cry in the shower when I miss all the people who have taken my heart to the corners of the world. I read picture books when the sun sparkles through the window on long Sunday afternoons. I watch cartoons and shadows try to make me cry. I love chocolate and tea parties and warm wind that smells like hot grass. My favorite place is the world is in bed while my haha reads to me. Or next to my chichi watching Darkwing Duck. Or snuggled under covers with my imouto talking about nothing. How will I save my kids from the monsters under the bed that still nibble on my toes in the dark hours of the morning? How will the 8 year old in me ever walk down the aisle and become one with a 20 something year old man? How can I grow up and save the world when the fairies of my childhood games are flitting around my face, calling me back to the happiness and safety? When I don’t know what is wrong with the world? When I still cry when the other kids are mean to me? When I am just a kid myself.