Golden Years? - I Beg To Differ!

Old as hell and nowhere near a specimen that doctors feel inclined to level with when physicals are done, I've been hearing comments like, "You'd better do it soon", ever since I hit my sixties...now I'm 91! While cruisin' down an interstate about a week ago, I took what I discovered was a really stupid chance! In between a pair of rest-stops - forty miles apart - with only seven left to go...that's right...I crapped my pants! Fortunately my wife knew well there was that possibility an incident like this, for me, was not that far away, And, luckily, had wisely thought to bring along a bucket, just in case this very thing should happen on the way. She'd also packed an extra pair of trousers, and some undies, both of which - if she was right - of course I'd badly need. I tried my best to hold it, and to keep her from suspecting, but she deduced it instantly when I began to speed! "What's the matter, honey," she sarcastically inquired, "you're sweating...and you haven't said a word For almost fifteen minutes. Is there something bothering you? " "Damn it, Helen," I confessed..."I'm fighting back a turd! "Where the hell's that rest stop," I exploded..."this is bad! If I don't find a toilet quick I'll prob'ly --- you-know-what!" "You're the biggest fool I know...you'll never learn," she laughed...maybe you should try to get the doc to - plug your butt!" "I ain't gettin' nothin' plugged, ya' ugly witch," I growled..all I need to do is get a car with leather seats, And not forget - before I leave on trips as long as this - to really pay attention to the kinds of food I eat!"