Ghosting

Sleep, those putrid portions of decay, wither away at my conscience, and nudge my crusted eyes open, to the pain of daylight usurping the drape. Legs slump, feet thud the carpet, to another unwelcome day, how many times will I have to hide today? How long until I can return? Heart permanently broken, spirit yielded and mind wanders, a dark forest with tall trees and no sound, limbo, chaos, a gaping nothing. The day passes me by, torturous and slow, filled with the nothing I have become, filled, yet empty and vast. Home again, I sit silently, staring through wet sobs at my feet, the floor is stained and bitty, from the repetition of my despair. Destitute, my thoughts take me, to the depravity and loss that forged the look on my face, permanent, vacant and hollow sadness. I think I need to scream, but I am afraid to start for fear of madness, and that I may not be able to stop, but yes, I need to caterwaul and wail. Internalized, my stomach tightens, my shoulders bob and my chest heaves, an element of control over my breath, and the short bursts of sound in my throat. Is it possible to be murdered, but only on the inside where it counts? For I can sense death from inside of me, I welcome it and beckon it to take me. I smell its putrid seasoning, disgusting and harsh yet strangely addictive, inhaling deeply I wish it to take me across the Styx to the eternal dimension of the Damned. It is unfair that I use up this time, It is so deserved by the less fortunate, I wish I could transfer it, and be at rest for once. Day a blur I hesitantly get into bed, the bed I bought for two yet only ever holds one, an acrid reminder of broken dreams, a place to begin my nightmares anew. I feel it now, it has overcome me, my body shuts down and my mind is alert, panic and fear hold my hand, like old friends helping their accomplice. I am gripped by the cold sharp embrace, like bony fingers pulling together my rib cage, I begin to scream but the slightest sound, brings goosebumps to my skin. Death is taking me, I smile, Determined and brave I mouth "I have been waiting for you", my voice wakes me, my eyes open, I bolt upright, in misery I acknowledge that it is not my time. A walk to the shoreline, I sit and hope, that perhaps all I need to do is wait, for my love to return to me my heart, or for the rest of me to be taken.