Fourteen

I was never one of those “desirable” kinds. Never will be. And I’m okay with that. But being 14 years old Stuffing padding down my shirt And smearing big sister’s makeup across my face Just to get some 19 year old to stuff his tongue down my throat Is what it took. Standing In front of the mirror Knowing I was about to get caught Cause trouble In the most unladylike of ways. Wipe the mascara from under your Undeveloped Eyes And cheeks, Girlie ‘Cause it’s okay to be afraid That’s what men are s’posed to do to ya I told myself And at the age of 14 I laid on my mother’s bed With my sister’s tiny skirt Giant heels Fake breasts Staring at the cover of some (skinny girl, poofy hair, sensual lips) O v e r d o n e Magazine that was stolen from a doctors' office Cause we couldn’t afford to buy ‘em It’s ironic now I had to steal the very thing that made me Feel like I had to succumb to the will of a Superior Frat boy Into the flames of this party I walked Teetering on the heels I’d never before used Licking my lips and trying to come off like I was dumb enough to love you I’d never had alcohol Couldn’t even pronounce half the names Of the things boys were downing One By One And in that room of too many people With too much skin And too many noises And too many illegal things being smoked and snorted and eaten I ran to you Because those things were what you did In college As a grown up And I wasn’t one So I ran I can pretend that my eyes didn’t widen When you whispered into my poor, innocent ears When your hand reached up my sister's skirt And you didn’t know. “I’m 16” I would say Screaming “No” in my head “Look past me Look harder Please” And as the moment that your infinite world took over mine I realized that as much as I loved it As much as I was Grown up I wasn’t. I went home that night Wiped the sex from my face The drugs from my body The alcohol from my veins And I was happy. Happy in the sense That I knew I did something that I wanted to ...But would later regret... Happy that I allowed myself to make decisions ...Even though they were dumb... Happy that I knew I’d have to lie for the rest of my life. 14.