Forget About the Past

I need a sunburn to feel alive, lately I just feel dead inside. Is the feeling coming back? I feel like I’m fading back into the black. I’ve heard of a relapse, but does that happen to a mental illness? The feeling of wanting to go back into the abyss, no one should know what it feels like to go through a feeling like this. How can I trust anyone, when I don’t know how to trust myself? I feel myself going through changes, but I’m not the man I want to be, I feel trapped, but I want to be free. They tell you to forget about the past, but it’s hard when the past won’t forget about you. When you want to go back to school, but your past grades are too low because you acted like a fool in high school. When you want to see your daughter more, but you can’t because of the way your illness made you act before. All examples of the past coming back, so how exactly do you forget about that? Some days I feel okay, most days I feel like I’m just wasting away. Family and friends say “You’ve come along way”, but I feel like it just comes down to me acting every day. I’m really not sure how I feel and I sure as hell don’t know which feeling is real.