Fearing love in winter

What if I never get better What if years pass and I’ll still find myself favoring solitude with no desire to form new relationships I’ll long for love but never allow myself a chance out of the cold And my heart will wince even at the the thought of another kissing my lips I’ll continue to push out any good that comes into my life I’ll see the sun and close my curtains because the warmth reminds of better days What do you do when someone wants to give you the sun but all you’ve done is sulk in winter because you’re afraid of the sun rays Afraid that you’ll get too close and suffer terrible burns because you forgot your sunscreen Afraid that you’ll feel the warmth but be denied because you’ve ever only experienced an ice age Afraid that you’ll lose it all if you let a soul in Afraid to even open up a new book of love because you’re scared to see what may be on the first page And maybe others are to blame for the onset of that ice age but I’m to blame for the continuation of the mass snow fall and the sheets of ice Not allowing myself to break down the wall in my mind Only allowing myself to build it higher thinking it will give me my perfect paradise But it doesn’t have to be like this I can break down my walls and stop the storm build a garden instead with a variety of flowers I can let the sun in and for once let my heart feel warm The sound of that is scary but other things are more concerning Like the fact that I’m afraid of love Or the fact that I could deny the love that is all around me When in reality love is the only thing I wanted to feel or consist of The truth is I’m not afraid of love or all the traits that come with it I’m afraid that I may turn my back and my spine will be met with a sharp blade Consuming me with a superficial love that bruises my soul and sever my heart strings Taking that chance is almost asking to be betrayed I don’t want to be afraid of the what ifs and off chances I’m tired of slamming the door at the sight of love and peace I want more for myself because I’m so tired of solitude being the only way I can find emotional release I think I do want love No actually I want to be the epitome of it I want to be warm to the touch and soft eyed Because maybe for once I’m tired of just being a heart that’s broken and split