Father

I used to wonder What you sounded like What you looked like Why you weren’t here For so long, I thought my punishment from God for all the wrong I was GONNA do, was your absence. I wondered if I were simply a mistake of two teenagers who didn’t know their head from their a$$es. I used to ask about you, a lot. I was either sent outside to play or given a look that told me I shouldn’t even be asking. So I stopped and simply accepted what I had And I always had plenty, Even when I was too ungrateful to realize it. I let thoughts of you go During what I call ‘The Dark Years’ The years when I’d hardened my heart and my mind The years when I felt like my life was founded on rejection and pain The years when I didn’t care about much of anything, including myself My teens and early twenties weren’t much fun at all. Then something happened I became a mother The father proved that he wasn’t ready to be a father I entered the real world I got a better understanding of what you and Mommy just have faced A better understanding of the responsibility it brings Over the years I’ve matured I’ve gotten smarter I’ve grown into a woman And my mind came back to you I started again to wonder What you looked like What you sounded like If you thought of me, like I was thinking of you My wonderment got the best of me and I replaced it with a need to know To know If you were still alive If you lived close or far If you were a fine, upstanding person Or some cracked out drunken loser Not that any of it really mattered I just needed to know So I began my search For answers For closure For my father. Each leg of my search brought me new revelations. You were still alive You were married You had other children And finally An exact location It took courage I didn’t have even know I had to send that letter It took even more to answer that first phone call Stomach flipping Heart pumping With a simple “hello” A door opened To my past To my future To the unanswered parts of me To my father Now that I’m here I don’t regret a moment lost I know that time cannot be replaced But a new, improved future can be made. And with you, my father I’m looking forward to it.