Every Breath I Breathe Is Waiting Catastrophe

It starts with a thought, Spiraling out of control. I don't realize it, though. I'm just thinking through everything. Every memory, Every moment. Every heart ache, Every reason I'm the way I am. Every song I've loved, Every book I've read. And somehow I connect All of this together into One thought. And it goes through my mind Again and again and again. They always describe it as a whisper, But that's not what it is. It's me. I'm thinking it. It's not a demon, Or a beast, Or some monstrous Alternate personality. It's me. I'm telling myself That I am everything I'm afraid to be. And that's what brings it on. One deep breath. I can feel my heart picking up. Can feel my lungs contracting On the next inhale. And it's like a race between Mind and body. Because I can't breathe. I can't control myself. In out in out in out in out Some breaths harsh and fast, Some deep and slow, But it doesn't go. Because I'm not in control. I can see everything around me, I can feel all of the things happening, But I can't do anything. My body is operating itself And it doesn't know how to. I'm dying Only I'm not. All I can think, Is I'm trapped. I can't get out. I can't escape my own body. Breathing. In out in out in out Faster. I can feel the tears and snot, And my back aches in the worst way. And it all started with a thought But I'm too scared to think it. And I'm not breathing. I'm choking. Mouth open wide Please, please, please Let me breathe. And it's a long moment where I'm staring at nothing Begging for something That I'm scared won't happen. And then I inhale again And I think maybe it's over But In out in out in out There's no escape. In out in out in out Faster, faster. I'm trembling, Shaking to the core. My shoulders hurt. It's unbearable But I can't make it stop. I can't take this, But I can't move. And then it happens. Like someone's flipped a switch Right in the center of my head. Because my breathings slowing. And I'm still terrified. But I have some control. In Out In Out Slow and safe. Slow and safe. And I'm here again. Shaking and breathless. Scared and a little lost. But my breathing is Slow and safe. I'm not going to die. I knew that already, though, It's a hard thought to remember, When you have no hold. When you have no control. And I'm sitting here, Suddenly exhausted and barely conscious. It all started with one thought. It always does.