Disturbance

I cant sleep, repititions play over in my mind, the first time he hit me, the night he held me down and raped me, laughing at my cries of pain, the last time he beat me, when I finally made him leave; No, when my best friend made him leave. I stood cowering, clinging to my sons small body, terrified across the room, his eyes could cut me like razor blades. Last week I went to the grocery store, I clung to my fiances sleeve like a lost child, My eyes darted down every aisle, for ghosts that were 300 miles away. An old man, brittle, bumped into me, grabbing hold my shoulders, so neither of us would plummet to the hard flood, he aplogized, I mumbled and turned quickly, trying to steady shaking hands, forcing air into lungs that begged to scream, gluing still boots that begged to run. I look forward to blackout exhaustion, the fear of nightmares and flashbacks, holds knives to the throat of my insomnia. I delete my social media, then sneak onto my grandmothers, type in his name and see his spiteful words, I know every angry letter is typed at me, I fear his plotting, I fear his eyes will see me through hidden screens, He will find me, his fists will come. Handfuls of hair dragging me to my knees, to smack and punch my cheeks. Tight fingers on my throat, squeezing as I gasp to breathe, clawing at his hands, he places the pillow over my face. I panic and scream inside my mind, breathe god damnit, breathe. The air is so thin, I am dizzy, and so I lie still, slowly coming to a shallow breath. Breathe very slowly, not too deeply, put your claws away, he removes the pillow, my tears stain the sheets.