Distressed

Distressed by Rob Barratt My furniture is all distressed It's unusually unstable The oak bookcase is quite depressed As is the coffee table The worktop has a thin veneer It seethes beneath the surface The taps know how low they can… sink And think life has no purpose The painted window frame's been stripped... Of dignity. It's lacquered The blue front door's morale has dipped The cheese board is cream-crackered The writing bureau doesn't give a jot The cupboard suffers mockery It hates the plates and has no mates It misuses jugs...and crockery The kitchen table's past is stained The dishwasher has worries Last week it broke down and explained That it was missing Curry's The settle never settles And the new desk is neurotic The chaise longue is invariably wrong The sofa is psychotic The fey pouffé is apt to weep It's covered in wet tissues The rocking chair, it never sleeps The magazine rack has Big Issues The bed’s always horizontal The tallboy’s a cross dresser The umbrella stand is second hand And feels its worth is lesser The mirror which reflects, neglects The fine wine rack which whines The shelves themselves lack shelf-respect The dining table pines The mantelpiece has no mental peace It's fired up with wrath The woodburner has lost its spark The wardrobe is a goth The exposed beams aren’t what they seem The ceiling's always plastered The landing has a manic stair It's an evil little bastard The piano's case isn't black and white The floorboards feel downtrodden The dressing table's dressed to kill The mini-bar is sodden The Ottoman is not a man But it's no couch potato The teak footstool's a crazy fool Who quotes in Greek from Plato Yes, my furniture is all distressed But they've reason for concern Oh... I must get it off my chest ...Tomorrow they will burn!! (sing to The Beatles' "Norwegian Wood) I once had the best Furniture but It got distressed So I lit a fire isn't it good? Norwegian Wood.