Dinner For Two

OK another adventure in the mad poet’s life, This occurred just before I met Jane, my imaginary wife. Jane’s brother, Glen had set me up with a blind date He said the girl was a stunner, I could not wait So dressed in me stripe trouser with me chequer tank top vest I oiled me baldhead and let the old spice do the rest Off I went down town to meet Deglet Noor (that was her name) Glen said, “If you see her lips you’ll want to kiss them more and more.” Then I saw her, and dam what a blind date She was lumpy like custard with an all eye seeing Rottweiler that made me fearfully hesitate. She looked like a bulldog chewing on a bee And the Rotter was eyeing me leg as if it wanted to hump me I thought to myself, give the girl a meal Then we call it a day and that was the deal She chose this uptown place where rich people dined A French restaurant with snails and frogs legs, you know the funny kind I had a steak, she had prawns and a lobster too And she persuaded me by force to drink champagne form her trainer shoe When she ate poor lobster it was a terrible gore I wish she could have taken a tip from Sir Robert Hinshaw When we finished the waiter brought the bill and waited for me to pay £1500 bloody pounds, my bowels almost gave way I said to him “We not finished yet. Could we have Ice cream and coffee?” And I said “Oh and don’t forget the mint toffee” Me credit card was on strike and would not handle that amount It was time for me to exit time to get out So when the waiter had gone I told her I was going to the loo Said to her I needed to off load a number two In a terrible panic I managed to squeeze through the window, hitting the deck I punched the air shouting “Yes!” followed by an “Oh F-ck” and “What the Heck” I had fallen into the kitchen and not outside you see The head chef said “We built it this way to stop people like you stealing from me” Five weeks on and 100000 dishes later, If I stayed any longer I’m sure I would have been promoted to head waiter Nevertheless, If you do come across Glen give me a shout Tell him the mad poet is looking to blow his brains out **For my sweet Delysia Hendricks who asked me to write this poem** **Deglet Noor is a date that you eat if you didn't know**