Cry

sometimes i really hate crying. i hate it when my chest tightens up, and i can’t breathe and i get scared and my breath doesn't come back for what feels like an eternity. i hate it when my eyes are puffy, and i feel my tears bringing my makeup down my face and my cheeks turn red and spotty. only then do i really see how terrible i feel, i hate seeing myself in the mirror with the lights off, and i can still see my misty eyes and my streaked face, and i hate it. i hate crying sometimes. i hate the shaking feeling i get when i do, and my whole body vibrates as the salt water tears come from my eyes. i hate getting a headache from all the crying, and i hate myself for crying myself sick. when my stomach hurts so bad i curl into myself, and my head pounds, and my eyes burn, and my body shakes. i really hated crying tonight. i hated getting cold and i hated going numb. i hated seeing my internal pain become my external. and i hated feeling so small, feeling incomplete and feeling helpless. sometimes i really hate crying, because i lose control over myself, and i’m miserable and i regret it. and at the end of the night, after I've cried for hours like I've done today, i see myself broken and i see myself sad, and not only do i hate crying, but i hate myself.