Could Not Protect

Saturday I awoke from a long slumber. My hair wet and smelling with sweat. Palms are shaking if I had done something. My memory does not let me pass a certain point. I tried to grab my head, such pain. I feel burning sensation in my arms and legs. Grasping for breath and lagging it with panic. So stressed, don't know what to do. I do not remember a certain view. I am strap down on a hospital bed. On what condition should I be dead. Laying not able to function. I feel so grotesque. Things are becoming dark once again. Blur visions is like an escapade. Jolts being delivered through my brain. Fear settles in and gives birth of loneliness. Sounds of ungratefulness shuns my thinking. I will not give up cause I am human. With strength I can beat this. Found beside dead bodies. My own wife and daughter. Should I just fail to resist. Did I do it with no smiling bliss. What kind of sick torment is this. My palms are getting sweaty again. My vision seems to com back again. Shocked about what happened. I was found innocent. A women who was scared saw everything. A strange shadow appeared be hind me. Choking me till I was limp. Beating sounds in my eardrums. Screams that did not sound calm. Vision disappeared as I hit the ground. The doctors had to keep me strapped. Just because I was in shock. Losing everything that I cared about. Feels like my own hand did it. I could not protect them. I feel my hand has blood in them. Crouching to my knees when I fell. Like a person who had a disease. A disease that was fatal to my existence. Letting my own family down so weak. Freaking out with no sense of direction. The disease I was talking about was fear. Fear of being non-existing. Crying with bloody eyes. Back so pinched that it feels like pin needles. Tearing my muscle apart just because. Scorning myself with bad luck. Dark and gloomy my heart is done. I am expose as a coward. Weeping in side my soul is my two dear souls. My dreams are going away. My blame is creeping slowly eating my soul. Keeping this memory is not what I want at all. Doctor's have told me I'll recover. Such non-sense I discovered. I feel that the blood of my love ones are in my hand. It really is hard to stand.