Confused

I dream and i wake and i want her. But really i don't. She speaks and screams and hurts my heart. God i need her. But really i don't. She brings me to my knees. The world is on fire. With a noose and a prayer, I want her so bad. But really i don't. With every breath taken and love forgot. Tear to cheek. Hands to the sky. Please god I want her. But really i don't. Everything spinning. Losing control. Death come now. But i know it wont. Then it all stops. Things slow down. She kisses me softly and with a whisper she fades. "I don't want you sweet boy. At least not today."