Colin the Caped Cabbie

Colin is a cabby with a proper taxi cab He drives for all the passengers an Uber didn’t grab Which means he has a lot of time to kill most every day And lots of evil folk to deal with if they come his way Now there’s no standard uniform for London’s black cab drivers But smart is best for when your driving London’s duck and divers So Colin tells his passengers, “It’s just my jolly jape.” But there are reasons - more profound - that Colin wears a cape. One day in Hatton Garden he picked up a jewel collector Who asked him what the button does that simply says ‘Ejector’ Colin said, “It should say ‘Exit’, but, Sir, please don’t ask why I’ve got this cape on… and this funny little mask.” The passenger just shook his head and said, “You’re kinda nuts, And I ain’t gonna pay ya, and there’ll be no ifs and buts.” Well Colin had been rather frugal with the actual truth He simply pressed ‘Ejector’ and the man shot through the roof. Now Colin felt quite guilty for the man’s timing was poor To hail a cab whose driver is a sidekick of the law Not a sidekick anyone had ever seen before But someone who the comic superheroes would abhor. His latest ‘flying passenger’ with spectacles askew Stood there at his window and said, “I’m gonna ‘pay’ you.” He grabbed the handle of the door and chided Colin’s suit So Colin flipped a switch that had the word ‘Electrocute’. The man became an X-ray and he crumpled to the ground And then the taxi’s radio relayed the secret sound Three short beeps meant he would be a cabbie redeployed And so he called the station with the call sign he employed “Pick-up Percy calling Peter Plod; you rang my bell?” Peter Plod said, “There’s a villain out to bring us hell.” Colin scoffed, “So point me to the man who’s raised your ire, And I shall flick my switch and tell the world, ‘I’m not for hire’.” * Jonny ‘Ding Dong’ Bell could steal the very fire from Hell And should the Devil stay his hand he’d steal his horns as well So robbing every bank in town was quite a simple start For Ding Dong had a plan in mind which was a work of art Medics use it, as have many felons through the years Nitroglycerin will only ever lead to tears But should it pour from every faucet right throughout the town It’s headaches, poops and nausea but don’t you dare fall down So, that’s the plan and Ding Dong has the whole thing well in hand He’s bribed or killed the ‘water workers’ just as he had planned Explosive liquid seeps from barrels into reservoirs And Ding Dong has advised police of how much he requires One or two gazillion pounds or something thereabouts And he will tell police about the barrels’ whereabouts The problem is, it’s snowing - sidewalk friction is eroding And everywhere you care to look there’s citizens exploding * Colin grabbed his smart phone and was soon tapping away He quickly typed a word that isn’t used that much each day ‘Nitroglycerin’ - the word that’s used infrequently So finding who had searched the word would tell him where to be It only took a second for an address to appear A place that Colin hadn’t been for so many a year See, once he was a traffic cop with many tickets written One stormy night he stopped a taxi… that’s when he got bitten Then jagged lightning struck him like a frenzied neon jab He gained an overwhelming urge to drive a taxi cab The ‘vampire’ taxi driver was now nowhere to be seen You can’t go biting coppers… but his getaway was clean Colin kept on ‘Traffic Copping’ for a little longer But gave in to compulsions that were growing ever stronger His physique was improving too - he had been rather flabby But man must do what man must do… so he became a cabbie. But that could not be dwelt upon for action was required And someone had to do the things society desired The roads were not conducive to a speedy race through town And so he flicked some switches as his foot went slowly down He drove with care and little haste to hunt a man corrupted And flinched when someone slipped on ice and half the street erupted Colin cursed the ice and snow for thwarting his advance But grinned from ear to ear, for he would make that sucker dance Glancing from the road to dashboard and then back again He noted switch positions just to satisfy his brain Forward missiles primed to fire, tear gas set to go Grappling hook in readiness and oil-slick set to flow Fire breathing headlamps to incinerate the crook Ready to be activated… like the taser hook Ejector seat sits waiting for it trigger to be tripped The tar and feather cannon waits for those who must be dipped Colin’s grin was laid aside when walkers on his right Were walking on banana skins and wouldn’t see tonight He had to keep on driving for his destination neared Whilst in his rear view mirror… the explosion that he feared * In a warehouse by the river, Ding Dong sat and waited For the call that he had eagerly anticipated A call to make him richer than the richest of the rich The silence of his phone told him his plan was in a ditch But he was Jonny ‘Ding Dong’ and you shouldn’t get him wrong He’ll look the world right in the eye and calmly say, “So long.” So Jonny Ding-Dong set about his most unlawful task Until a taxi cab arrived for which he didn’t ask……